HOUSING migrants in ferries suggests the dead ends of the Conservative mind are being ransacked to boost their support. Which always ends in these bizarre obsessions:
Prison ships
Memories of Great Expectations, where the prison ship looms vividly as an inhumane punishment the virtuous Magwitch unjustly suffers, make Tories say ‘Ooh, that’s what we need.’ Never mind the expense, it’s good and cruel.
Banning drugs you’ve never heard of
From angel dust to meow meow to nitrous oxide, Conservative governments love to discover new drugs and then ban them. It doesn’t matter that nobody’s taking them. It’s tough on crime.
Imperial measures
Why did we abandon the barleycorn? What madness saw us forsake the rood? Do children not know the gill anymore? Bring them all back and we’d be happier.
Dressing offenders in humiliating clothing
Arrested for graffiti? You’ll have to clean it up and, what’s more, do so in a pink jumpsuit with ‘I’m a bad, bad boy’ stencilled on the back. Tory dicks stiffen at the very thought.
The death penalty
A mere 30-year murder sentence is nothing to the criminal mind. Bring back public hangings for all to watch on the new BBC Hangings channel, and shoplifting would stop overnight.
A Royal yacht
To hardcore Tories, the only reason we’re not making hugely advantageous trade deals with China is the lack of a yacht. How can they respect us without a f**king yacht?
National Service
Their dream. Every 18-year-old goes into the army and comes out with rock-solid Conservative values, never straying toward liberalism again. What uniformity of thought we’d all enjoy if only we’d all been ritually brutalised. How perfect Britain would be.
Deportation
Another punishment visited on Magwitch, deportation is the answer to everything. Ship any criminals out and be done with them, except we’ve nowhere to ship them to and last time we tried it ended up being better than here anyway.
