Prison ships, and seven other bizarre Tory obsessions

HOUSING migrants in ferries suggests the dead ends of the Conservative mind are being ransacked to boost their support. Which always ends in these bizarre obsessions:

Prison ships

Memories of Great Expectations, where the prison ship looms vividly as an inhumane punishment the virtuous Magwitch unjustly suffers, make Tories say ‘Ooh, that’s what we need.’ Never mind the expense, it’s good and cruel.

Banning drugs you’ve never heard of

From angel dust to meow meow to nitrous oxide, Conservative governments love to discover new drugs and then ban them. It doesn’t matter that nobody’s taking them. It’s tough on crime.

Imperial measures

Why did we abandon the barleycorn? What madness saw us forsake the rood? Do children not know the gill anymore? Bring them all back and we’d be happier.

Dressing offenders in humiliating clothing

Arrested for graffiti? You’ll have to clean it up and, what’s more, do so in a pink jumpsuit with ‘I’m a bad, bad boy’ stencilled on the back. Tory dicks stiffen at the very thought.

The death penalty

A mere 30-year murder sentence is nothing to the criminal mind. Bring back public hangings for all to watch on the new BBC Hangings channel, and shoplifting would stop overnight.

A Royal yacht

To hardcore Tories, the only reason we’re not making hugely advantageous trade deals with China is the lack of a yacht. How can they respect us without a f**king yacht?

National Service

Their dream. Every 18-year-old goes into the army and comes out with rock-solid Conservative values, never straying toward liberalism again. What uniformity of thought we’d all enjoy if only we’d all been ritually brutalised. How perfect Britain would be.


Another punishment visited on Magwitch, deportation is the answer to everything. Ship any criminals out and be done with them, except we’ve nowhere to ship them to and last time we tried it ended up being better than here anyway.

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What are the arseholes in the Airbnb next door doing today?

AIRBNBS are rapidly becoming less of a cheap holiday solution and more of a party house nightmare for the neighbours. So what are the dickheads next to you up to?

Breaking the toilet 

Bad guests will always break the toilet. How, or indeed why, is a mystery. Maybe you don’t know how good it feels until you try it? Try booting the seat off your own toilet and see if it gives you an amazing buzz or immense sense of satisfaction.

Texting their teenage mates

Teenage boys staying in an Airbnb will invite girls they want to shag plus back-up options. Not understanding the concept of exponential growth, they’ll soon have 400 pissed teens trashing the place, including some yobs no one knows who’ll steal the original middle-class teenagers’ iPhones and make them cry, in an act of blatant criminality you quite approve of, frankly.

Planning a visit to a local pottery museum 

Oops, no, that’s the earnest Guardian-reading couple and their bored children your neighbours almost rented the house to. The gang of 20-year-old lads currently next door have an equally busy itinerary of being hungover, clubbing, getting blackout drunk, arguing with a cab driver at 2am and punching a hole in the lounge door.

Trashing the kitchen 

Why not? They’re only staying a week and there’s enough plates to last that long even if you just smash them.

Sticking f**king execrable music on

All music is annoying when it’s blasting through the wall, but even so, you’re not going to hear classic Zep or a bit of finely-crafted pop by XTC. The playlist is: shit techno, shit r’n’b, or shit dubstep. If you go round and ask them to ‘turn it down a bit’ you’ll be hit by a near-solid wall of cannabis smoke and realise basic communication is going to be impossible.

Live hot tub sex shows

If your neighbours have an outdoor hot tub, less classy airbnb guests will soon be f**king in it. Not really a problem if you’re a creepy voyeur, but somewhat off-putting if you’re just creosoting the fence. Being twats, they’ll probably invite you to hop in and have a beer, but since you’re not a fan of sitting in vats of fizzy spunk, you politely decline.

Spending the day in an Area of Outstanding Natural Beauty 

You’ve totally misjudged them, they’re off for a wholesome day in the countryside! Actually you haven’t – it’s just a good place to smoke weed, leave Budweiser bottles and, at the height of summer when the grass is tinder-dry, abandon a disposable barbecue.

Getting their stomach pumped

As an ambulance takes away an absolutely shitfaced teenage girl, you ask yourself what on earth their parents were thinking. The answer, if you’d thought about it, is not spending time with their f**king annoying offspring.