Special birthday sex just as disappointing as regular sex

A MAN is in a state of deep disappointment after months of build-up to ‘birthday sex’ resulted in bog-standard intercourse.

Martin Bishop was sure girlfriend Nikki Hollis had heavily implied during the previous year that they would be embarking on a debauched sexual journey that would break several taboos.

However, feeling bloated after a heavy birthday meal – including a large portion of red berry meringue roulade – Bishop and Hollis had mundane sex that could have taken place on any day of the year.

Bishop said “What happened was our usual routine intercourse, which, while functional, would not be a smash hit with Pornhub viewers.

“Unless you have a fetish for watching tired, uninspiring intercourse. Fair enough if you do. I’m not about to kink-shame anyone after that pedestrian humping without even any doggystyle.”

Hollis was disappointed but unsurprised by the mundane porking, and was quick to deny she had promised the birthday was ever going to be some sort of erotic magic carpet ride.

She said: “I’m certain I didn’t say anything about special birthday sex. I think it’s something he heard about on a podcast and just assumed would happen.

“We’re Nikki and Martin, we’re limp shaggers, it’s our thing. Martin needs to stop trying to be someone he’s not. You know, someone who experiences satisfying orgasms.”

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Sunny Delight turns you orange, and other pre-internet panics that seem wholesome now

BEFORE the internet gave us a bounteous supply of porn, violence and conspiracy theories, we had to have societal freak-outs about other things. Like these.

Sunny Delight

When Sunny Delight arrived in the UK in the 90s we were so excited to have a little taste of California in our dreary British fridges. However, after a four-year-old girl turned yellow from the carotene colouring after drinking 1.5 litres of synthetic goodness, everyone wanted to ban it. Luckily we didn’t have social media then, or conspiracy theorists would have been convinced Big Orange Juice was trying to kill us all.

The ‘You’ve been Tango’d’ advert

People were deeply upset by a guy drinking a can of Tango being slapped by a bald man painted orange, and offered grave warnings about children giving each other perforated eardrums. Which seems incredibly quaint now that children can swap videos of beheadings, or join forums for men who think not getting a shag justifies acts of terrorism. Or just straightforwardly kill yourself with a TikTok challenge to drink a litre of weedkiller.

Monica Lewinsky

American presidents having affairs is never good, except maybe from John F Kennedy’s perspective, but with Clinton and Lewinsky we only heard about it in newspapers and TV bulletins, thus keeping the coverage at an almost sane level. Nowadays there’s wall-to-wall coverage online, and we all know an awful lot more about Donald Trump’s adventures with Stormy Daniels, and that alleged piss tape, than we could ever want to. Oddly, it’s another incident involving an orange man, although being Tangoed is infinitely preferable to attending a watersports soiree with The Donald.

Rave culture

The government, the press, your parents – absolutely everyone lost their shit over rave culture, ecstasy and ‘music with a repetitive beat’. Society was going to crumble thanks to people dancing, taking questionable Es and paying £5 for a can of Red Stripe in a warehouse. Imagine if that moral panic had been exacerbated by Twitter. Armed police would be raiding every house with someone under the age of 30 looking for dangerous downloads of ‘We Call It Acieed’.

The Pamela Anderson sex tape

If you’ve grown up in the era of being able to see the most disturbed porn imaginable at the click of a button, it’s hard to imagine the outraged shock that greeted a video tape of a woman having normal, consensual sex with her husband. In fact, it seems kind of cute, which isn’t something you can say about a clip entitled ‘Anal Bukkake Gangbang’.