Sandwiches in a lay-by, and 15 other 80s holiday activities

BEFORE cheap airline travel, holidays used to be profoundly disappointing. Here are some of the classic lowlights from 80s family trips.

Waiting for the AA on the hard shoulder

An 80s holiday wasn’t complete without your parents’ Ford Granada breaking down. No mobiles either, so your dad had to traipse a mile up the motorway to the emergency phone.

Visiting a windswept beach

Not a sheltered cove with powdery sand and crystal water, but a huge, bleak vista where the sea was half a mile away and you had a wind tan within five minutes.

Donkey rides

Who was sadder, the donkeys trudging miserably up and down the beach or the kids riding them who’d rather be in the arcade? Hard to say.

Staying at your nan’s

A week at Nan’s house and being forced to eat faggots and watch Take The High Road wasn’t a holiday, it was torture.

Local natural history museum

Full of creepy things like jars of pickled animals and drawers of butterflies pinned to cardboard.

Local agricultural museum

Less creepy but way more boring. How could there be an entire museum dedicated to 18th century seed drills? And why did your dad make you visit it?

Sitting in a car park

Of course it was absolutely pissing it down every day you went to the beach. You were in Morecambe, not the Costa del Sol.

Wasting your money in the amusement arcades

You dreamed of the amusements all year round, but within 12 minutes you’d spent all your holiday money losing at OutRun.

Tent in a field

You went to sleep freezing and woke up as soon as the sun rose at 5am, then spent the next few hours lying in what was basically a hotbox of your dad’s farts.

Sandwiches in a lay-by

There was no Bill’s or Zizzi in the 80s. Instead, you ate sweaty cheese and Marmite sandwiches in a dual carriageway lay-by while lorries whizzed past.

Board games in a caravan

North Wales has some of Europe’s finest medieval castles. And you never saw any of them because it was lashing with rain and you were trapped in a caravan playing Boggle for six days.

Peeling off your sunburnt skin

No one thought about skin cancer in the 80s, so you’d get sunburnt on day one and spend the rest of the holiday having a competition with your siblings to see who could peel off the largest intact bit of skin.

Renting a deckchair

Your dad rented a chair for him and your mother, while you were relegated to a damp, sand-covered blanket.

Chips stolen by seagulls

Good chips were the one upside of an 80s seaside holiday and a prick of a seagull always ruined it by attacking you. You don’t get that on Crete.

Disappointing petting zoo

A sheep and two guinea pigs do not count as a ‘zoo’. But your mum wanted you to get your money’s worth as she’d shelled out two quid each for the pleasure.

Tedious history tour

Your parents were obsessed with a Roman road and your holiday consisted of a week in the car driving it. You wondered what it would feel like to literally die of boredom.

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Tears of the Kingdom: top tips, tricks and hacks to get your partner to stop playing it

ARE you dead to your partner because they’re glued to the new Zelda game? Get them to pay attention to you using these methods.

Break the controller

This is a complicated move to pull off. You’ll need to wrestle the controller from your partner’s iron grip, then mash all the buttons at once as you snap it over your knee. Pro tip: make sure there isn’t a secondary controller hidden behind the DVD player or all your hard work will have been in vain.

Ask to have a go

Your partner won’t be able to play the game if you’re having a go, so ask them if you can run around Hyrule for a few minutes. This will stun your other half because it’s a request they can’t reasonably object to. Use this window of opportunity to snatch the console from their hands then delete their save file. That’ll f**king teach them.

Spoil the ending

Your boyfriend/girlfriend – but let’s face it, probably boyfriend – will be less engaged in Tears of the Kingdom if you give away the ending. Some nerd’s undoubtedly done a speed run of it already, so delve into their Reddit thread and pull out the necessary details. Apparently something called Zelda dies? Is that important? Either way, tell your partner.

Offer sex

This feels like cheating because it always works. If your partner has stopped noticing you, coyly let slip that you’re in the mood to do that thing you usually only do on their birthday, then beckon them to the bedroom. Watch out though. They might take the Switch out of the dock and bring it with them, in which case it’s game over.

Say it doesn’t look as good as Oracle of Seasons

So you can combine items to make creative new tools and weapons, big deal? Oracle of Seasons had a magic rod that allowed you to harness the power of nature, which is way cooler. Plus you could link it with Oracle of Ages to beat an extra boss. Your partner will gently place the game down and give you their full attention as they explain how utterly wrong you are.