DESPITE growing up, owning a home and starting a family, nothing gives men greater joy than certain types of utterly stupid shit. Here are just five examples.
Sausage, chips and beans for tea
Men get genuinely excited about tucking into their favourite meal from when they were five: dry oven chips, sugary baked beans and a trio of gristly bargain basement bangers. If it’s served on a day when their football team has also won away, some men have been known to achieve a higher state of consciousness.
Two animals shagging
Nothing causes joy and hilarity like a spot of pigeon porn in the garden or two lions humping at Whipsnade Zoo. The dad in your family will probably swerve the family car across three lanes of traffic if he thinks he saw two horses in a field shagging. He may even excitedly comment on how well-endowed the male animal is. A crap David Attenborough impression is a given.
Women who aren’t wearing a bra
Men will be held rapt by a woman with no bra on, suddenly switching from being an adult male with life insurance and a Sainsbury’s clubcard to a giggling 1980s teenager trying to spot a hint of erect nipple. The baffling thing is there’s no shortage of nipples right now, in real life or on the internet. Men are complicated creatures.
Cars they can’t afford
For some reason, men are thrilled by flash cars they’ll never own. Yes, that is the new Porsche 718 Cayman GTS, 0-60 in 4.5 seconds. This is somewhat academic if you work in a call centre and have a long-term overdraft and credit card debts. Just pray he doesn’t go the showroom and sit behind the wheel pretending to drive it.
An obsession of youth which, tragically, can continue into adulthood. When the new Panini stickers come out, the man in your life unfortunately has the means to buy loads, being paid, hopefully, substantially more than his pocket money in 1983. Before you know it, all the men in the office will have a Qatar 2022 World Cup Album and they’ll be meeting by the photocopier to drone on about swapping for a Jack Grealish ‘shiny’.