Five energy-saving measures that will make f**k all difference to your bill

WORRIED about the price of your energy bill? Here are five steps you can take that will barely make a difference.

Change energy providers

Shopping around used to be a tedious way of saving a few quid, but now every bastard company is poised to overcharge you. It’s not even worth phoning your current provider to negotiate a lower rate. The aeon it takes to get through will probably add an extra couple of zeroes to your bill anyway.

Photograph your energy meter

Taking a shot of your energy meter is the hot new craze of 2022, even though it will make precious little difference overall. At least you’ll have photographic evidence of the last day you had any money. One day you’ll look back on these pictures of dials and numbers with the same wistful nostalgia you get from revisiting old holiday snaps.

Get solar panels

All you need to do is splash out a few grand on solar panels, plus a couple more on the installation, and you’ll start to bring down that £700 increase in as little as two or three decades. Why not save yourself a fortune – the great thing is that Britain’s glorious sunshine is completely free.

Turn the heating off

Turning your thermostat dial to the off position and aggressively ripping it off the wall makes sense if you’re a bit melodramatic, but you’ll just end up making hundreds of hot drinks to keep warm using your cripplingly expensive kettle. You could always wear a jumper over your other jumper, but you’d rather be poor than look like a twat.

Invest in double glazing

Replacing your windows with double glazing keeps the heat indoors and lowers your energy consumption. It’s the perfect solution, except for the fact you don’t own your own place. If you nag your landlord to install double glazing there’s a risk they might actually do it and jack up your rent, then you’ll be worse off than before.

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Government launches 'Get pissed to keep warm' initiative

THE government is tackling the £700-a-year rise in energy costs with its new ‘Get pissed to keep warm’ plan.

The initiative encourages families struggling with heating costs to turn down the thermostat and instead use the power of simple alcohol to warm themselves from the inside out.

Rishi Sunak said: “The best way to keep yourself from feeling the cold is, and has always been, the drink. 

“Don’t believe me? Try it for yourself. Shut off the radiators, extinguish that open fire, open the windows and sink half a bottle of gin. You’ll not feel the slightest hint of a chill. Finish the bottle and you’ll have a great night’s sleep without even needing a duvet.

“It’s how the homeless keep so toasty in winter, and why do you think Russia, a famously frozen country, can export so much gas? Because they’re all permanently pissed.

“It’s sustainable, it’s carbon neutral, and it’s available at a variety of price points from White Lightning to Grey Goose. No matter what you choose, you’ll be glowing with your own personal central heating.”

He added: “I understand there are Britons out there who suffer alcohol problems for whom this method is unavailable. To them I say, have you tried MDMA?”