How to come to the aid of a common person lost in Waitrose

WHAT should you do if you encounter a disoriented common person who’s accidentally wandered into Waitrose? Here’s how to help them while avoiding risk to yourself.

Calm them down

The common person is likely to be agitated due to finding themselves surrounded by frightening, unfamiliar items: pesto, choux buns, potatoes without reassuring smiley faces on them. Win their trust by offering them some sea salt and balsamic vinegar Maris Piper shavings, which are similar to their ’crisps’. But obviously completely different.

Be non-threatening

Ask store staff not to approach them. Their uniforms may remind them of prison warders, and many common people will have been ‘inside’. If you have time, change into jogging bottoms and a pink nylon dressing gown. This is what commoners somehow consider acceptable attire for the supermarket. It’s pathetic and really these people shouldn’t be allowed to breed, but it will set them at ease.

Explain their location

Commoners often have poor eyesight and may have assumed the green store branding was Asda. Gently explain that Waitrose sells high-quality, overpriced goods, and they will not find any Snacksters frozen kebabs here. Alternatively they may have seen the salad section and, not knowing what it is, think they are in the countryside. 

Bond with them

Find the scratchcard you bought ironically at the seaside, and ask ‘Excuse me, have I won a tenner?’ The commoner will instinctively examine the card for prizes, and if all goes well, sympathetically inform you, ‘Soz, you’ve won f**k all, love.’ You have now built up a rapport, like a dolphin trainer, except dolphins are highly intelligent. 

Escort them to safety

Lead the common person to the exit as staff and customers applaud. The exotic sights such as delicatessens and coq au vin ready meals may be overwhelming. If they experience anxiety en route, dab a mixture of agave syrup and Oaxacan salsa in the corners of their mouth, calming them with the familiar taste of ‘ketchup’.

Cut the cord

Now safe and out of the store, the commoner may attach itself to you like a duckling thinking a human is its parent. Tempting though it may be to keep it as a pet, it has its own life to lead. Say your farewells and send it off in the general direction of the German budget offal shed where it normally does its shop. Well done!

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Seven more feeble threats from that wanker Putin

WITH his questionable threats to cut off the West’s gas supplies, Vladimir Putin seems determined to be a really shit Bond villain. Here the Russian president sets out his other not-so-diabolical schemes.

Cruise missiles will take out Chicken Cottage

You Britons love your greasy chicken, so unless you stop supplying Ukraine with anti-tank weapons, 3M-14 Kalibr missiles will be fired at every branch of this icon of Englishness. Where will you fools get your fried chicken from now, eh? 

No more wood-burning stoves 

You have gas, for the moment, but Russian warships will disrupt imports of poncey real wood fires. Then you’ll know the brutality of a Russian winter. And not have a charming focal point for your living room. Don’t even think about putting a jumper on – our supersonic bombers will drop wool-eating moths on the UK so they’ll be all manky and full of holes.

You will be prevented from going to the gym

Spetsnaz commandos will target all gyms, destroying them with demolition charges. You’ll be begging for an end to hostilities once it is literally impossible to spend two miserable hours in the gym and you have to sit on the sofa eating pizza instead.

Assassinating your most beloved famous people

The security service has drawn up a ‘kill list’ of popular celebrities to break your morale. Imagine a world with no Piers Morgan, no Bono, no Nigel Farage, no Myleene Klass, no Richard Madeley, no Esther Rantzen, and no Mark Francois. The nation will be paralysed with grief.

A cyber attack on the nation’s thermostats

Our electronic warfare specialists can easily hack your thermostats. Imagine sitting at home when suddenly you notice the thermostat has turned the central heating off. You’ll have no choice but to reset it. Or perhaps you’ll get up at 7am and the radiators haven’t taken the chill off. I hope you’re ready for unpleasantly cold bathroom floors!

No more scented candles 

Britain is obsessed with scented candles, so we are buying the world’s entire stock of them. What will you do when your rooms no longer smell vaguely of lavender and eucalyptus? You simply will not be able to survive without this life-critical item.

Vegetarian meat substitutes to be laced with polonium

You’d love a tofu-based meat alternative, but our spies have injected random packets with polonium. Will you risk a slow, painful death, or forgo a plate of delicious Quorn? It’s a truly agonising dilemma. Perhaps worst affected will be lukewarm vegetarians who have to eat a bacon sandwich completely against their will.