Seven great sex tips from a 16-year-old boy who's done it loads

TOO many sex experts trot out the same old tips about massage and communication. 16-year-old Josh Hudson, who’s slept with more than 200 women, gives you the real advice:

Chill out about this female orgasm stuff

The clitoris is down there somewhere, so enough rubbing in the general area should activate it eventually. It just takes a bit of effort, like chipping away at the health of an end-of-level boss on the Xbox. Allow a good hour for it. Don’t start when your mum’s about to call you down for tea because you can’t save your progress.

Focus on girls who definitely do it

There are girls who do it, and girls who don’t and probably never will. So I ask around to find out who’s a slag and focus my attention on her, which is why I’m currently chasing Baylee on the advice of Jade, who hates her. Look for the woman in your office who’ll do it at lunchtime for a bag of chips.

Research the best positions

Women’s favourite positions are doggystyle – handy for anal, which they love – and reverse cowgirl. Otherwise why would porn actresses do them? They’re the experts. And remember to pull out so you ejaculate somewhere memorable. Not doing so causes the breakdown of many adult relationships.

Learn about erogenous zones

This is a high-level pro-tip not for beginners, but women get turned on in weird places, like their ear or the back of their knee. Try putting your cock there and they’ll be screaming with pleasure. I can’t tell you how many times that’s worked for me.

Patrol the streets for MILFs

You’d think MILFs wouldn’t jeopardise their marriages and families by having sex with a random gangly teenager, but that’s how desperate their hormones make them. However they’re hard to find if you’re not near a John Lewis. Check out yoga classes or simply wander suburban streets, looking moody and sexy and implying you’re tattooed.

Be discreet about sex with teachers

Obviously I’ve shagged all the fit female teachers. But if you tell all your mates the school makes you attend meetings about ‘serious allegations’. It’s only because old Mr Molyneux the headteacher is jealous. He’s 42, so he’s been impotent for years. Stick to hinting at your carnal knowledge of Miss Dempsey and the irrefutable fact she’s had a boob job.

Get a car

Once you’ve got a vehicle your sex life’s nailed down. Girls will shag you because of the car, you can shag them in the car, and in breaks from shagging you can deliver pizzas to the aforementioned MILFs. Don’t bother with a licence or insurance or any of that shit, and if feds stop you explain driving it is a secondary use for your fanny magnet. They’ll respect that.

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LOL, texts straight-faced woman

A WOMAN who has not cracked a smile at any point during a text exchange has nonetheless claimed that she is ‘laughing out loud’. 

Joanna Kramer remained stone-faced while texting ‘haha’, ‘lol’ ‘rofl’ and the crying laughing emoji in a WhatsApp chat with her friend Charlotte, to be polite.

She said: “A dog falling off a skateboard? Do you think I need this shit? I’ve got two kids and a full-time job. But you can’t text nothing, can you?

“But then it’s immediately followed by a squirrel riding a dog, which I couldn’t even be arsed to watch so I text ‘haha’ followed by three monkeys with their hands over their eyes, in case ‘haha’ alone felt sarcastic.

“If I want to look at videos of squirrels or dogs or whatever, there’s an entire internet full of this bullshit. I don’t need it from friends. Nor do I especially want to encourage it.

“Then she sends a cat in a T-shirt playing the piano. I texted back, with a face like a slapped arse: ‘LOOOOL LMAO SO FUNNY HYSTERICAL OHMYGOD CAN’T BREATHE FROM LAUGHING HAHAHA!!!!’ and ten smiling poop emojis. That should shut her up.”

Charlotte Phelps said: “I don’t even look at all these shite videos I forward, but Jo loves them.”