Seven magical family days out by rail you'll spend at Euston Station

AFTER a chaotic Bank Holiday weekend, Euston was at a standstill again yesterday. But Network Rail keeps urging us to have family days out by train, so here are some great places you won’t get to.

Sea Life Brighton

The stunning array of aquatic creatures includes sharks, turtles and octopuses. You won’t be seeing them because you’ll be stuck on the concourse at Euston, but there’s no need to miss out on interesting wildlife. Take your kids outside to look at the manky pigeons and homeless people’s dogs. It’s Euston’s very own rich natural fauna.

Windsor Castle

Founded by William the Conqueror in the 11th century, Windsor Castle is not only historically important but contains fascinating exhibits such as Queen Mary’s Dolls’ House from 1921. However there’s no chance you’ll get there, so enjoy the history of Euston instead. It was completed in 1837, and since then has seen many historic changes, such as new platforms and the opening of M&S Simply Food in the year 2018. Dale Winton, Derek Acorah and Meat Loaf were all still alive then. It was a different time.


What significance did Stonehenge have for the ancient druids? Could the stone circle have magical or dimension-shifting powers due to primordial Earth energy from nearby ley lines? Ponder these ancient mysteries as you take the English Heritage 3D virtual Stonehenge tour on your phone while standing outside Burger King in Euston.

The Bell Inn 

This historic pub in Moreton-in-Marsh was frequented by JRR Tolkien and was the inspiration for The Prancing Pony where Frodo, Sam and the other two meet Strider and begin their quest. You won’t be bumping into Aragorn though, because if you’re in a hostelry it will be one of the shithole transit pubs at Euston. Try to maintain the magic of Middle Earth by telling your kids that any passing shortarses are hobbits.

Alton Towers

You might get one of the few trains leaving Euston and think you’re going to Britain’s best-loved amusement park. Five minutes into the journey they’ll announce the entire network is in fact stuffed and you’re terminating at Swindon. Still, you’re stuck in your seat and it’s too late to get off, just like the Nemesis Reborn rollercoaster! Except the ride is somewhat less exciting.

Birmingham Science Museum 

Birmingham is no distance from Euston if you have modern, functioning trains, which Britain increasingly does not. However if you had gone there you’d be able to see technological breakthroughs ranging from steam engines to talking robots. But don’t despair – Euston Station is also a marvel of technology. Look how clear the massive HD screens announcing the cancellations are, and enjoy the superb picture quality of the adverts for rail services, although by now you never want to see another train in your f**king life. 

Camber Sands 

The sand dunes are not just good for a stroll, they have a fascinating pop culture history as locations for everything from the 1958 John Mills film Dunkirk to episodes of Doctor Who. Luckily Euston, where you currently are, has its own TV and film history, most notably that many scenes from the Harry Potter films were shot in locations nearby. It’s just a shame you can’t think of the boy wizard these days without also imagining pictures of creepy sex offenders posted by obsessive TERFs. But try not to let it ruin a great day out at Euston!

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New Year's Eve, and five other times in 2024 that would be best for Sunak to call an election

COULD a cleverly chosen date for the election swing it for Rishi Sunak? It’s unlikely he’s got any other brilliant strategies, so here are some days he should keep in mind.

New Year’s Eve

It’s cold, it’s dark, it’ll probably be raining and everyone is completely disengaged from politics because they’ve spent the last week getting pissed and stuffing their faces. Many will be busy with a party they don’t want to go to in the evening. The only people who’ll venture out to vote will be diehard fanatics, and the Tories have got more of those than anyone else so they might just squeak in.

May Bank Holiday

A potentially warm and sunny day when everyone is off work might not seem like the ideal day for Sunak to open the polls. However, if he’s factored in that a large amount of the population will be drinking from 11am it might not be such a bad idea. Drunk people do stupid things, like voting Socialist Alternative for a laugh, which could split the Labour vote and get him a second term.

Euros final if England make it

Yes, a Sunday in July is an odd day for an election, but if England are in the final of the Euros, nobody will be thinking about voting apart from the aforementioned Tory loyalists, which will give Sunak an edge. However, this relies on England making it to the final and not getting knocked out as soon as they play a half-decent team, which they have a habit of doing.

The Saturday of Glastonbury

When and where do you find a vast amount of Labour voters corralled together in one place? At Glastonbury on the Saturday. Whether they’re crusty old Trots or Islington’s metropolitan elite, they’ll all be crushed in a crowd watching Shania Twain and nowhere near a ballot box, making it an easy win for Rishi. Also elderly Tory voters will see the Glasto crowd having fun on TV and vote in record numbers to make life worse for young people out of pure spite.

September 31st

You can’t lose an election if you hold it on a day that doesn’t exist. Nobody knows how many days each month has, so the UK will go to bed on September 30th ready to vote the next day and wake up on October 1st with the Conservatives still in power. We’re used to them endlessly somehow winning despite a complete lack of public enthusiasm, so nobody will bat an eyelid.


Ultimately, the only way Rishi Sunak can avoid humiliation is if the election never takes place. This will be tricky because he’ll have to do something drastic like taking a leaf out of the Nazis’ book and ban all other political parties. Many Conservative MPs are right-wing nutters and will be fully in favour of this, resulting in him still being in power in 2050, still calling the leader of the opposition ‘Captain Hindsight’ and struggling to get his Rwanda scheme to work.