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Should I get my tits out? A comprehensive guide for women

BREASTS. Sometimes they should be exposed, sometimes not, and there are many grey areas. Let’s look at the pros and cons in a variety of situations.

In the bedroom 

Totally acceptable, and a guaranteed crowd-pleaser with men. However if your breasts are met with indifference it may be time to face some uncomfortable truths and ask your partner why he owns every Pet Shop Boys album.

In a sexy pop video

Yes. On the one hand sexist pop videos are bad. But on the other, Emily Ratajkowski. She’s worth millions despite doing f**k all since the Blurred Lines video. Just be sure to google the musicians first and make sure they’re as famous as Pharrell. You really don’t want to discover they’re a crap local Oasis covers band who just want to see your tits.

In the shower

Kind of necessary, unless you’ve been hit so hard by the cost-of-living crisis you’re attempting to wash your bra while wearing it. What can we say? Let’s just hope the economy picks up soon and your tits come out sparkling clean.

For the cameras on rollercoasters

Getting your tits out on a theme park ride for the souvenir photo is a great British tradition. However, the log flume at Alton Towers full of snotty kids and pensioners needing the toilet isn’t the most erotic environment, so don’t expect a thrilling sexual experience. A lot of faff, and probably not worth it.

At a naturist camp

An oasis of enlightenment where bare breasts are the norm. However naturists tend to be quite old, so if you’ve got perky norks that don’t hang down like dead otters, fellow nudists may become jealous and not invite you over to their camper van for a nut roast and Gerald playing the acoustic guitar. It’s up to you whether you take this risk.

In the office

Meetings can really drag, especially on Fridays, so definitely get your tits out. No one will have an issue with this.

Getting pissed with your chav mates

A surprisingly common practice among larger ladies who’ve consumed four litres of White Lightning. However, a video will inevitably end up on Facebook and the comments may be less complimentary than those accompanying topless shots of, say, Scarlett Johansson. It’s one rule for Scarlett and another for Vicky Pollard lookalikes, sadly.

In your back garden

Yes and no. If your neighbours can’t see in, whop them out and avoid pesky tan lines. But not at a barbecue. Guests could become confused about what sort of party they’ve been invited to and start randomly copulating in your hydrangeas. Also if you’ve skimped on the sausages the cheap ones can spit very hot fat. 

In a porn film

A no-brainer, really. It’s a handy source of income and will revitalise your sex life, just not with your partner. Also you may find yourself something of a local celebrity, which is a great conversational ice breaker at dinner parties and parents’ evenings.

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Seven ways to walk past a homeless person without being consumed by middle-class guilt

BEING homeless is incredibly hard – but so is walking past them outside Waitrose. Here’s how to put your class-related guilt to one side and glide past painlessly.

Stare intently ahead and think about something else

Seeing a homeless person may make you sad or despondent. One way of avoiding these annoying emotions is to ignore the vagrant and think about something else, like cake or puppies (not ones on a bit of string). Basically you just have to hold your nerve and not look at them. Turn it into a game by pretending they’re Weeping Angels and you’re Doctor Who.

Do your most sympathetic face

If you don’t want to ignore the homeless but don’t want to talk to them either – let’s face it, it’s always just doom and gloom – then adopt a melancholic facial expression. Try to convey the message: ‘I’m not going to talk to you or give you any money, but I feel really bloody awful about all this.’ They will find that hugely comforting.

Shrug and mumble something about not having any change

The ‘shrug and mumble’ approach to homelessness is a national institution. You’ll find saying ‘Sorry [mumble mumble] no change [shrug] only cashcard [mumble] sorry [shrug]’ is a great help to anyone without a home. It’s so deeply imbedded that thanks to evolution future generations will be born with an innate ability to reject those in need with a sheepish mumble about bank cards.

Wear headphones  

Listening to music through headphones is a great way of avoiding other human beings generally. And when dodging rough sleepers and the associated pangs of shame, an upbeat playlist will cheer you up. Just don’t have the volume too high so they hear Walking on Sunshine by Katrina and the Waves as you cheerfully hurry past their grubby sleeping bag.

Offer some brief words of encouragement

Sometimes a few kind words are far more valuable than things like money and shelter. This isn’t actually true, but it’s cheaper from your point of view. Definitely try to say something vaguely positive like ‘Take care’, but don’t overdo the positivity. ‘Things will look better in the morning’ or ‘Turn that frown upside down!’ aren’t really appropriate.

Sprint by like it’s an emergency

If you’re feeling particularly cowardly, simply run straight past any homeless person you see. It’s important the homeless person doesn’t know you’re avoiding them so feign a life-or-death drama by saying something like ‘Oh God – the hospital!’ as you sprint by. Move fast enough and you might be able to outrun your own guilt and hypocrisy. Also hope the homeless person doesn’t say ‘Are you okay, love/mate?’ because then you’ll feel like a real shit.

Pretend you’re on the phone to a homeless charity

The nub of the problem is this: you don’t really want to help the homeless person (because it involves talking to them and money) but you want to look like the sort of person who does. So next time you pass one, hold your phone to your ear and loudly say, ‘Hello, is that Shelter? I’d like to increase my monthly donation to £300.’ If you feel genuine guilt about this you can’t be that terrible a person. In fact, you’re practically a saint.

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