Six bank holiday activities that can't cause offence, surely to God

FEELING cheated because doing anything fun on your day off will be frowned upon by the mourning police? You might just get away with these: 

Listen to music

There’s no harm in this, with a single caveat. Don’t put on anything upbeat or cheerful in case the neighbours hear. Stick to Leonard Cohen and Adele, or if you’re not into those glum bastards put a track you hate on repeat. You’ll feel suitably dejected and hopeless after two hours of Oxide & Neutrino’s Bound 4 Da Reload (Casualty). 

Have an indoors day trip

Replicate a family day out without leaving the house by arranging the dining chairs in a car configuration, getting the kids to be proper little bastards for two hours, bollocking them, then all huddling together under an umbrella in the shower. Throw £65 out of the window to cover the cost of drinks and burgers. Get back in your dining chairs.

Have sex

No-one will know you’ve had sex and it’s technically not illegal. It might feel thrillingly taboo and kinky doing it with the funeral on TV. As long as the camera doesn’t linger too long on particular members of the crowd.

Make a lovely roast dinner

There’s nothing like a leg of lamb or a crispy roast chicken with all the trimmings. However, this hinges on you having picked up all the ingredients yesterday, when the shops were thronged because of today. If not you’ll be sitting down to tinned tuna, oven chips and HP Sauce for gravy, a meal so miserable it’s entirely fitting.


Your options are limited here. You’ll never round up enough for five-a-side, but Subbuteo will give your forefinger a decent workout. Jogging is a possibility, but it’s round your lounge avoiding the coffee table. You’ll be okay with a game of swingball though. Not even the most fervent royalist could accuse swingball of being fun.

Totally waste the bank holiday like you normally do

Start out with a plan like updating your CV, putting all the crap in the garage on Gumtree or getting to work on your screenplay. Then listlessly watch YouTube videos for six hours. Dispirited, you shovel down beans-on-toast and hey presto! It’s time for bed and work again tomorrow.

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Anti-monarchist goes into work

AN anti-monarchist has refused to accept a day off for the funeral of a hereditary head of state and has gone to the office regardless. 

Helen Archer of Stevenage believes that to take part in a bank holiday costing Britain £2.3 billion in lost productivity would be hypocritical, so has arrived at work for a full day’s print management.

She said: “Just an ordinary day as far as I’m concerned. Someone I don’t know’s being buried. So what.

“I’ve arrived at 9am, got security to let me in, then gone back and got them to turn off the alarm system that had been left on by some bloody Royalist, and now I’m sat here, cracking on.

“None of the emails I sent Friday have been answered, none of the clients are available, I haven’t really got much to do but that’s not the point. The point is I’m here.

“Why wouldn’t I be? There’s nothing else happening. If you’re so into people who do their duty no matter what, get to work.”

After four unproductive hours Archer will go for lunch only to find all the shops are shut, she is unable to even get a sandwich and security have locked her car behind the barrier and clocked off.