Six depraved student habits you can't take with you into normal life   

AT university, the bar for acceptable behaviour is basically subsurface. However, do any of these things as a proper adult and you will become a social leper.   

Liquid breakfast 

Far from the nutritious chia seed smoothie enjoyed by busy mums on their way to a morning yoga class, starting the day with a few swigs of last night’s vodka to take away the taste of last night’s pints is not a balanced meal. And, if you do it before going to work after you’ve graduated, you’ll get sacked and then your worried family will send you to rehab.

Awful laundry habits 

You might choose which t-shirt to wear by guessing which one has spent the least amount of time on your bedroom floor, but at least you have more self-respect than the weirdo washing her pants in the sink of your shared kitchen. You observe to a fellow flatmate that this is disgusting before using a pan from that same sink to cook your instant noodles.

A nocturnal sleep schedule 

At the moment, if you greet your housemates in a dressing gown at three in the afternoon because you’ve just woken up from a nap which was four hours too long to qualify as one, no one bats an eyelid. Doing this as an adult will prompt concern for your mental health and gossip from the neighbours if they see you taking the bins out in your pyjamas.

Skipping manageable commitments 

At a regular 9 to 5, missing a meeting because you couldn’t be bothered to walk to the room wouldn’t really fly with your boss. For now, though, this is an entirely acceptable excuse for the register, and one which will invite the utmost sympathy from your hippy tutors.

Decorating with food waste 

Like every other student in the world, you believe that the wall of beer cans serving you for curtains is a very classy and original feature. However, the plates covered in spent spliffs and fag butts littering your room can’t be passed off as ornamental potpourri, even by your admittedly low standards. Invite someone back to this after a date when you’re over the age of 22 and you’ll never get a shag again.

The tactical chunder 

When you aren’t at university, the only situation in which it may be acceptable to purposefully throw up to make room for more booze is if you were at a Roman banquet, and they don’t have many of those in Warwick University’s student union bar. At no other point in your life will anyone watch you be sick into a drain and tell you you’re a legend, so enjoy it while it lasts.

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Strong cup of tea is middle-aged woman's can of Monster

A MIDDLE-AGED woman who wants to feel energised to the point of anxiety can do so by drinking a strong cup of tea after midday, she has confirmed.

Kelly Howard has no need for cans of the caffeine-and-sugar infused soft drink in offensively bright packaging when a bag of PG Tips left to steep for five minutes too long produces exactly the same effect.

Howard said: “Why do people drink energy drinks? To feel alert and focussed, which is what a mug of tea does to me after lunchtime, especially if I go hard and have a KitKat as well.

“And if you’re over 40, it will also produce the same side effects of necking half a litre of Monster, including a rapid heartbeat, nausea and lying awake until 4am the following night questioning your life choices and trying not to have a panic attack.

“Plus, you don’t look like a child when you drink it. Monster is fine for teenage goths and Amazon delivery drivers on a crushing schedule, but if you’re a grown adult sipping one while alternating it with puffs of your watermelon vape, please stop embarrassing yourself.

“And don’t get me started on coffee drinkers. Anything more complicated than a basic brew with a splash of milk makes you a massive wanker, in my book.”