Six f**kwit things to order off Amazon when you're pissed

HAD a skinful? Fancy a random 2am online shopping trip? Get ready to wake up tomorrow and wonder why these stupid items have turned up at your door:

Pasta maker

You were sufficiently leathered to end up mindlessly watching Jamie Oliver repeats while stuffing crisps in your gob. That pasta machine looked great fun, dead easy to use, and would impress all the guests at the dinner parties you never have. When it arrives you don’t even get it out of the box before shoving it at the back of a cupboard.

Rowing machine

Drunk you was feeling a bit maudlin, wondering how you’ll ever get a partner when all you do is sit on the sofa necking beer. So you decided to blow £399 on a rowing machine which will get you a beach body and a hot lover in no time. Unfortunately when it arrives it won’t fit through the front door, so you leave it in the garden to slowly rust away.

Portrait of your cat

You bloody love your cat Sonic, you realise after drinking a bottle and a half of Shiraz. You love him so much that you’re going to commission some amateur artist to paint a picture of him. When it eventually turns up you are at first stumped as to why someone would post you a painting of a deformed animal, before looking at the invoice and realising you spent the money for the electricity bill on it.

Hot chocolate velvetiser

There’s been an advert on the telly and, oh my god, this is exactly what you’ve always wanted! You blow £30 on one and crawl into bed shitfaced and thrilled, before waking up in the morning and remembering that you don’t like hot chocolate and don’t understand why it needs to be ‘velvetised’, whatever that means. Resolve to give it to your sister for Christmas, along with the novelty Minions shower curtain you drunkenly bought a different time.

Lingerie for your partner

You’re pissed, horny and feeling anxious about your relationship, as your girlfriend has insisted on going out alone again. Your solution? To purchase some sexy underwear to spice things up. After you’ve had a wank and fallen asleep, you completely forget about it, until it arrives in the post and you have to explain to her that she’s now the proud owner of five pairs of cheaply made crotchless panties. She dumps you two days later.

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Woman ordering 'soup' really meant 'wine'

A WOMAN on a date has politely opted for soup as a starter instead of the huge glass of Pinot Grigio she really wanted.

Emma Bradford was desperate for a large, chilled glass of booze after a hard day, but felt she should at least attempt to make a good first impression on Tom Logan instead.

Bradford said: “Tom was sipping a glass of water when I arrived so I felt obliged to do the same, as immediately demanding a vat of alcohol probably isn’t a great look.

“I normally just have wine, the main meal and, if my date’s not a dickhead, dessert. But Tom ordered calamari so I panicked and ordered the seafood soup, which is not only not wine, but also f**king disgusting.

“It’s weird being on a date where you don’t get steadily tipsier until you suddenly find them deeply attractive, despite the fact that they’ve just told you in depth about the dry stone walling course they’ve recently completed.

“Will I see him again? No. A pleasant teetotaller like him doesn’t deserve to see me at my worst.”

Tom said: “I was only sipping the water because I had a scratchy throat, but Emma obviously doesn’t drink. I’d have given anything for four pints of premium lager to take the edge off.”