Six guilty secrets your family probably don't need to know about

WE’VE all done things in our lives we’re not particularly proud of. Here are some it’s best even your nearest and dearest never know about.

The girl you pestered at school

You had a massive crush on Rachel who sat next to you in biology. You spent months continually asking her out and pathetically buying her Curly Wurlys in the unlikely hope of sex. She wasn’t interested and it seems a bit pervy and stalkerish now. Best keep schtum.

Childhood shoplifting

You and your mates were forever vying to see who could nick the most impressive thing from Woolworth’s after school. Now, you can’t help wondering if it was your fault Woolies went bust. Plus you got caught and a policeman came round and you cried.

All the drugs you did

Weed, speed, cocaine – trying lecturing your kids after ingesting that little lot. Although actually the little f**kers have got the internet, smartphones, Porn Hub and have more fun than you did as a teenager, without standing in a bus shelter pretending to enjoy a badly rolled spliff that made you horribly paranoid.

Your late night wank

The rest of the family have gone to bed, you still have an hour or so in the tank, so how better to use it than grappling the leathery eel in front of some low-grade TV porn? Don’t get found out – you’ll never be able to look them in the eye again, partly due to the wanking and partly because it’s Babestation

That car you scraped at Tesco yesterday

You were in a rush and couldn’t see much damage as you sped off without leaving a note. Fessing up to your kith and kin would be pointless, because no one saw it. Except the CCTV, meaning the police will turn up on your doorstep to inform them in a much more distressing way.

The porn mags stashed in the attic

You couldn’t bear to part with the mags you kept badly hidden in a cardboard box under your bed, so kept them for a nostalgic wank. If your family discovers embarrassing, grubby filth like Readers’ Wives, faking your death and starting a new life like Reggie Perrin will be the best option.

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Why I'm A Celebrity was my destiny and my triumph, by Richard Madeley

LIKE Luke Skywalker, we must all follow our destiny, whatever the risks, whatever the personal cost. My path was not the Force but ITV’s I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here.

I accepted the challenge and emerged triumphant, despite crashing out embarrassingly after flailing around in a vat of rotten fruit and becoming unwell while viewers called to their partners in the kitchen: ‘Ha ha, come and look at this. It’s that wanker Madeley.’

What inner reserves of strength and courage did I call upon? I cannot honestly say, except it was a lot like those guys in Vietnam who survived years being kept in a submerged bamboo cage by the Viet Cong. But with the added struggle of collecting plastic stars.

Sure, alongside my incredible wife Judy I had already revolutionised ITV’s output on This Morning. After our hard-hitting mix of celebrity chat and household cleaning tips, daytime TV could never be the same again.

But a restless spirit like mine is always looking for the next mountain to climb, and so I stepped in to fill the enormous boots of Piers Morgan on Good Morning Britain with the delectable Susanna Reid, prompting favourable comparisons with another broadcasting legend, Alan Partridge.

Thus I found myself offered a much sought-after role on I’m A Celebrity, part of an incredible team of amazing guys like Danny Miller, Frankie Bridge and Naughty Boy, many of whom you will have heard of.

But fate is a cruel mistress and I was forced to pull out due to Covid rules, the sort of bureaucratic do-gooder nonsense that is sadly all too common in politically correct modern Britain. 

But I’m confident I will be back for the next series, like a phoenix from the ashes, because the producers know millions, or at the very least dozens, of ITV viewers would love to see me barfing as I attempt to eat a raw tree frog bladder.