WE’VE all done things in our lives we’re not particularly proud of. Here are some it’s best even your nearest and dearest never know about.
The girl you pestered at school
You had a massive crush on Rachel who sat next to you in biology. You spent months continually asking her out and pathetically buying her Curly Wurlys in the unlikely hope of sex. She wasn’t interested and it seems a bit pervy and stalkerish now. Best keep schtum.
You and your mates were forever vying to see who could nick the most impressive thing from Woolworth’s after school. Now, you can’t help wondering if it was your fault Woolies went bust. Plus you got caught and a policeman came round and you cried.
All the drugs you did
Weed, speed, cocaine – trying lecturing your kids after ingesting that little lot. Although actually the little f**kers have got the internet, smartphones, Porn Hub and have more fun than you did as a teenager, without standing in a bus shelter pretending to enjoy a badly rolled spliff that made you horribly paranoid.
Your late night wank
The rest of the family have gone to bed, you still have an hour or so in the tank, so how better to use it than grappling the leathery eel in front of some low-grade TV porn? Don’t get found out – you’ll never be able to look them in the eye again, partly due to the wanking and partly because it’s Babestation.
That car you scraped at Tesco yesterday
You were in a rush and couldn’t see much damage as you sped off without leaving a note. Fessing up to your kith and kin would be pointless, because no one saw it. Except the CCTV, meaning the police will turn up on your doorstep to inform them in a much more distressing way.
The porn mags stashed in the attic
You couldn’t bear to part with the mags you kept badly hidden in a cardboard box under your bed, so kept them for a nostalgic wank. If your family discovers embarrassing, grubby filth like Readers’ Wives, faking your death and starting a new life like Reggie Perrin will be the best option.