THE UK is now pandering to dog-lovers to the extent there’s barely a place your nasty yapping mutt isn’t allowed. These locations are pathetically dog-friendly:
Shops
Not just a corner shop where the dog’s owner has called in for 20 Benson & Hedges, but high-end proper city centre shops. What business has an Irish Setter in Waterstone’s or the Apple store? Is the presence of three Scotties with tartan collars really enhancing this John Lewis? The eternal question: what if they piss? What if they shit?
Cafes
But at least in a shop you can pass by quickly with a scowl of disapproval. When someone’s brought their Cockapoo to a cafe you’re trapped with it, waiting for your coffee and watching it warily investigate every new passing scent, never sure if this is the one which will send it into a frenzy of barking and spray spittle on your salted caramel brownie.
Garden centres
Technically just another shop, but dogs are there in such numbers they’re practically parks now. And when you mix that many dogs, what happens? They go for each other, growling and snarling among the wooden ‘Gin Dependent Woman’ signs while their owners recite the mantra ‘He’s never normally like this. It must be something you’ve done.’
Cinemas
Not all films are Oppenheimer. Many are under two hours long. There is, therefore, no need to drag a Rhodesian Ridgeback along to an experience it’s guaranteed to not to enjoy and may alarm it in the worst way. Nonetheless, cinemas are now offering dog-friendly screenings so Tyson doesn’t have to miss out on The Conjuring: Last Rites.
Trains
And now we’re into a contained experience which, beyond a certain length of journey, a dog simply cannot get through without pissing. So how’s that going to happen? It would seem, from the lack of a nappy on your Jack Russell, no arrangements have been made. Why don’t you explain how this £115 trip to London will be enhanced by dog urine?
Bars
Pubs are no problem. The tradition of the pub dog stretches back centuries. But a bar? That people dress up for, and drink cocktails, and attempt to instigate sexual congress in the forlorn hope of a long-term relationship? What role has a Labrador in all that? Does he even like the music of Dua Lipa? Can you not leave the poor f**ker at home?
