Six purchases to make you look and feel like lottery-winning scum

DOING alright? Bought an enormous television? Keep feeling like everyone is judging you for it? They are. And for these things:

Big American fridge-freezer

It has the capacity of a Tardis and looms over your kitchen as if you were on The O.C. You can’t fill that. Even if you were a family of four existing entirely on ready meals you couldn’t fill that f**ker. You only got it to show off. Nobody needs an automatic ice-maker in a country where it’s hot six days a year.

TV over 65-inches

It makes sense: all you do is sit on your arse watching telly so you may as well invest. It doesn’t take up any room, just hangs above the fireplace, you’ve even covered up the wire. It’s just a shame it makes you look like a Premier League footballer who went straight from council estate to superstardom without ever having heard of culture.

Automatic gates/garage

Why is this weird? You’ve got gates on the drive, it’s a pain in the arse getting out and opening them, it’s no more extravagant than a TV remote. Or so you’ll bluster, as your passenger watches them glide open and wonders just who in the f**k you think you are.

Jungle gym with treehouse

A trampoline’s not good enough for your fancy kids, oh no. They require a facility equal to the play area of an entire neighbourhood. It towers over your garden like a Territorial Army training facility, the wood’s green with disuse, and it makes the neighbours mutter that them kids are spoilt.

Dressing room

All you’ve done is built wardrobes in the box bedroom, with admittedly recessed lighting, so why are guests giving each other side-eye when you open the door? And giggling? And saying, ‘Right, I’ve not seen the later series, I didn’t realise you were now one of the Kardashians?’ Maybe because you wear the same stained hoodie every day.

A gigantic corner suite

Leather, seats eight, dominates the room like it’s the observation lounge on a f**king starship. Makes guests feel like they’re waiting for the others to arrive before we start. Your eyes were bigger than your pokey new-build belly when you bought it, weren’t they? Everyone sneers and says ‘did you see the size of that bastard?’ when they promptly leave to drive home.

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Decent, affordable flat ruined by the presence of six housemates

A FLAT you can afford with modern fittings is let down by the presence of the six other people you will be forced to share it with.

The property in question comes fully furnished and has good links to the town centre, but is infested with half-a-dozen annoying occupants who you will have to make tedious small talk with.

Estate agent Mary Fisher said: “At less than £500pcm, bills included, this house share flat is a real steal. So long as you overlook all the godawful young professionals who are also crammed into it.

“There’s a huge garden, spacious living room, and the one massive bathroom practically has an echo. Although when you’re fifth in line for a piss you won’t appreciate whoever’s singing Meat Loaf in it.”

Housemate Ryan Whittaker said: “Everyone who lives here is extremely irritating in their own unique way. Personally I smoke weed 24/7, whereas Martin upstairs likes to practice his drums at two in the morning.

“Look, you can either move in here or you can tread water financially by living on your own, so which will it be? Thought so. We’ll add your name to the cleaning rota everyone ignores.”