Sunday, 27th September 2020

Six reasons why sharing a bed is totally mental

RESEARCH has shown that sleeping apart can improve relationships, but what’s baffling is why anyone thought it was a good idea in the first place. Here are the issues: 

It ruins your sleep

Beds are for sleeping. Having a partner in there snoring, stealing the cover, babbling nonsense and getting up for a wee every three hours is such a guaranteed way to keep you awake, it’s like letting a wild tiger loose in your house to stop you worrying about burglars.

Farts

Flatulence is unavoidable and natural, but it does somewhat reduce your partner’s sexual mystique if they’re parping away like a tuba. And if they believe subjecting you to a ‘Dutch oven’ – farting under the duvet then forcing you under – is acceptable, you need to split up.

Your behaviour is policed

Suddenly basic human freedoms like staying up to see the last bit of Skyfall or eating a whole packet of Hob-Nobs in bed are verboten as your partner becomes a tyrant obsessed with ‘work in the morning’. And forget about your go-to-sleep wank.

Sex doesn’t take that long

Even if you’ve got a great sex life, does 15 minutes of intercourse really require you to spend another seven hours in the same place? You don’t eat your dinner then spend an evening at the table with the empty plate. Probably don’t share this analogy with your partner.

Dreams

Even if your partner doesn’t kick you to death during a nightmare about sharks, they will tell you about their dreams when they wake. Which is fine if you enjoy tedious, logic-free tales about painting a bicycle with Bob Mortimer.

Sweat

In the heatwave your own sweat is bad enough, without waking up next to a slimy humanoid creature with matted hair like something out of a Japanese horror movie.