Just because there's been a recession under every Tory government for the last 100 years doesn't mean it's our fault

by Michael Gove, Chancellor of the Duchy of Lancaster

YES, there’s a recession on. Yes, it’s the deepest since records began. But just because once again it’s under a Tory government doesn’t mean it’s our fault. 

You people – the media, the so-called experts, the electorate – are so quick to pin the blame on the Conservatives just because we’re always in power when the economy goes into decline.

But not one of the five recessions on our watch in the last century has been anything to do with us. On the contrary, you should be thanking us for leading the country out of them.

This one, for example, is clearly not our fault. It’s coronavirus. The fact that it’s the worst of any G7 nation is frankly irrelevant.

And don’t try blaming us for the 90s one. I don’t know if you’ve met any of those people from the 90s, but they were very irresponsible with their spending and, conversely, their saving.

Thatcher’s 80s recession was necessary medicine, the 1970s one was the unions, anyone trying to pin the 1961 one on Harold Macmillan should be ashamed of themselves, and 1956, well, ask your granddad.

Conversely the two recessions that happened under Labour were 100 per cent them. Gordon Brown single-handedly caused that last one and don’t let them wriggle out of the 70s one with any oil crisis nonsense.

So just drop it. We’re the Tories. We’re the party you can trust on the economy, and don’t you bloody forget it. Ungrateful bastards.

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Recreate your hellish furnace of an office at home

YOU should be spending this week sweating it out in a roasting, unventilated office resembling a circle of hell. Recreate it at home: 

Commute in your airing cupboard

Every office day should begin with a lengthy commute in conditions illegal for livestock. Cram your entire family, all wearing business suits, into the airing cupboard and stay there for 40 minutes or until one of you faints.

Install broken air-conditioning

Tantalise yourself with the possibility of refreshing, cool air while ensuring that it works only to the extent of making a whirring sound. Get up and hit it occasionally while sending angry emails to an outsourced facilities manager who promises it will be repaired by the end of October.

Ensure windows only open two millimetres

Your working environment should be as suffocating as possible, like the mouth of an active volcano. The only function of the window is for you to stare through it at people who are not inside and who are enjoying a fun summer’s day, just like you cannot.

Spend two hours in Windowless Meeting Room B

Black out the windows of your home’s smallest room, seal it until the air becomes stale and stuffy until you can hardly breathe, then shut yourself in for your Zoom meeting. Make sure that colleague who elongates every meeting with pointless, inane questions is invited. Continue for half-an-hour longer than you can bear.

Mock yourself with a fan

Fans make you feel the heat even more by just blowing the stifling air back into your sweaty, tomato-red face. For the real office experience, always have two fans fewer than necessary positioned to cool areas you’re not in and ban yourself from adjusting them.

Slow time to a crawl

Finally, install a clock that ticks backwards. Achieve absolutely nothing as you slowly boil alive. Fantasise about walking into the sea and never returning. This is what it’s all about.