2022 is finally here, so it’s time to start being kind to yourself and learn to love who you are. Here are six pieces of advice guaranteed to backfire:
Sport isn’t just a way to lose weight and become healthier and more centred. It’s also a way to discover you’re a lazy arsewipe with zero tolerance for pain. If you want to test your self-loving-self to the limit, get a personal trainer and hemorrhage cash and self-respect.
What better way to show you care about yourself than raw spinach for breakfast? Swapping out chips for steamed broccoli? What could be more soul-crushing than not making it 24 hours before the sugar low makes you crash so hard you realise you’re living life from one Leibniz biscuit to the next?
If you really want to worship yourself, why not max out your credit card with a spa day? A perfect way to relax in the presence of your physical flaws: that tummy flab beneath the jacuzzi bubbles, those toenails that make the pedicurist gag. Your self-loathing will be fresh and new.
Meditate on yourself
Just ten minutes of meditation a day is enough to make you realise both how tired and how impatient you are and, underneath it all, that you’re kind of a bad person. Before your 600 seconds are up you’ll be wondering how in hell you’re supposed to ‘love’ someone like you exactly?
Immerse yourself in nature
Don’t overthink it, get out the house for a stroll in the fresh air… except the air in your grimy suburb is a long way from fresh and it’s f**king freezing. You’ll last maybe 20 minutes and you’ll get dogshit on your new running trainers.
Take pride in yourself
It’s so important to take the time to remind yourself how great you are, just as you are. But when you’re still staring at a blank page searching for shit to be proud of after half an hour it’s not looking or feeling good. You don’t go out of your way to hurt people? Is that good enough?