HAVE you always been a bit confused by the nativity story? Here are some issues the Bible – or its author God – really needs to clear up:
How can we be sure Mary and Joseph never ‘did it’?
They were married, there wasn’t TV or the internet, so why not give sex a go? The official church line is that Mary remained a virgin, so maybe they had sexual hang-ups. Their odd relationship needs a whole other gospel to explain called The Gospel of Relate.
Why does no one discuss what’s going on?
The nativity would really benefit from some exposition. Okay, the birth of Jesus is in a prophecy, but by who? It could be some idiot like Mystic Meg. And what’s the game plan with Jesus? What is the Messiah actually going to do? The Rise of Skywalker was clearer, and that was totally confusing bollocks.
Why does the song say ‘away in a manger’?
A minor, some might say pedantic, point, but baby Jesus wasn’t ‘away’ in a manger, he was right there.
Who were the three wise men?
Caspar, Balthazar and Lord Melchett are often believed to be kings. So surely they’d travel with a huge entourage including bodyguards? Just setting off on their own in the lawless desert with various valuables isn’t very wise at all, in fact it’s stupid. Also frankincense and myrrh are rather random gifts for a baby. Did they do a last-minute shop at Lush?
Why are we so chill about the Massacre of the Innocents?
Fearing a usurper, Herod had every male child under two in Bethlehem killed. Like, with a sword. You’d think mass infanticide might dominate the Nativity story, but it’s very much a footnote. The f**king donkey gets more attention.
Was it meant to be turned into a shit school play?
Is this how God planned to get everyone to worship him? And since He knows everything, past, present and future, does he cringe every year as he foresees your son fluffing his one line as Innkeeper while the other parents laugh at the tea towel falling off his gormless head?