Glaring plot holes in pantomimes exposed

THEIR very existence and ability to draw in huge crowds is confusing enough, but these pantomime plot holes make even less sense: 

Little Red Riding Hood

Even the most half-witted child would be able to tell that their grandmother has been replaced by a wolf dressed in her clothes and glasses. And are audiences expected to believe that granny emerges from the wolf’s stomach unscathed? Bollocks. In real life she’d have been reduced to a mauled, bloody acid-dissolved pulp.

Puss in Boots

If this play was even remotely true to life then Puss would wake his owner up at 5am by losing its shit and trashing the furniture, before jumping on their bed and clawing their face off. This would be followed by a second half where the hero snoozes on a windowsill before waking up to lick its own bum clean. You’d still need a buxom wench character to keep the dads entertained though.


The glass slipper isn’t the most ridiculous concept in this story. Even though if Cinderella so much as stubs her toe then she’ll need to make a trip to A&E to get the shards removed. No, the bigger plot hole is that apparently no other girls in the kingdom has the same foot size as her. Are we meant to believe she’s trampling around in size 15 shoes like a freak?

Mother Goose

Everyone knows that gold is one of the heaviest metals. So if a goose was laying golden eggs then her back end would collapse with the weight of it. At the very least she’d have suffered a massive abdominal hernia. This grim adherence to realism might not translate to ticket sales though, so perhaps it’s best overlooked.

Snow White

Dwarven diamond miners wouldn’t be living in a ramshackle house in the woods. They’d be living in a huge mansion, dancing with strippers and snorting lines of coke off their stomachs. Their names would have to be more accurate too, something along the lines of Probably Owns Slaves and Destabilising The Local Economy.

Sleeping Beauty

As anyone middle-aged knows, once you reach your 40s you need to wake up and go to the toilet at least once a night. Twice if you’ve had anything to drink after 5pm. Sleeping Beauty was a teenager when she went to sleep for a century, so after about 25 years of undisturbed slumber she’d be dozing in a bed reeking of piss and shit.

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Five Christmas cracker toys vets will recover from your pet's stomach for £465

CRACKERS add some levity to Christmas meals, until your pet swallows these toys and you have to pay a fortune for surgery: 

Miniature chattering teeth

This wind up toy looks hilarious as it rattles away in your small dog’s mouth, but the laughter soon stops when the vet hands you the bill for removing it from their stomach. And because your dog is thick as shit it’ll make the same mistake tomorrow, and the day after, until you’re bankrupt.

Fortune-telling fish

A cat could easily mistake a fish-shaped piece of plastic for the real deal and gobble it down without hesitation. Which is pretty rich considering it usually shuns all but the most expensive and pretentious of Sheba pouches. Spare a thought for the vet who will get clawed to buggery as they try to retrieve it from their oesophagus.


One of the easier toys for your vet to locate because it will be making a whistling noise in your dog’s digestive tract. You could always wait for the whistle to pass through their body naturally and save some money, just make sure you bin it immediately because you don’t want to blow on something that’s been up a dog’s anus.

Tape measure

When your vet pulls a metre-long measuring tape from your pet’s bum, play dumb and ask: ‘Do all tapeworms have markings indicating precise measurements?’ With any luck they will be fooled and only charge for deworming. There’s a slight chance a medical professional will see through your clever ruse and charge you double out of spite.

Tiny Rubik’s Cube on a key ring

Your dog can’t see colours and doesn’t have keys, so the only way they were ever going to get any fun from this Christmas cracker toy was by eating it. Although if it comes out solved then consider entering them into Britain’s Got Talent. The prize money might just about cover all the veterinary fees.