Dad revisits annual boast that he'd have 'f**king battered' that kid in Home Alone

A MIDDLE-AGED man has again told his Home Alone-watching children that he would have given Kevin McCallister a ‘bloody good hiding’.

As is now tradition, Roy Hobbs and his kids sat down to rewatch the festive favorite while Hobbs said ‘These burglars are amateurs. They’re pulling their punches.’

He continued: “Hit me with a paint can you’re getting it next, I can tell you. Catch that bugger and swing it right back. Bam. Give him something to shout about.

“If I’d been there it’d be over inside 20 minutes. I’d have spotted he was on his own when I was casing the neighborhood. Seen through his bullshit, done the house that night.

“Kid can’t overpower two grown men. And Pesci, he’d have a temper on him. Used to do jobs with a fella like that, short, and they go f**king apeshit when you cross them. You’d never see Culkin again.”

Son Dylan Hobbs said: “Dad seems to know a lot about burglary and not flinching from violence when caught in the act. It’s worrying.

“Also when we watched The Grinch he was cheering ‘Go on, son, fill your boots’.”

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How your primary school nativity part predicted your disappointing future

WERE you an angel on high, a king in finery, a mute shepherd or livestock? Here’s how your nativity role predicted your future:

Mary or Joseph

You were always popular, and now you’re a cheerful, reliable type who can be relied on. Not outstanding but people notice if you’re not there. You’re probably now an accountant or pharmacist, drive a Volvo and are mortgage-free.


You stood at the back with a grubby tea towel on your head and didn’t get any lines. Today you’re just as much a pointless makeweight. You do data management and your colleagues try to avoid you in the kitchen because after five years they’re still not sure of your name.


Your role was to look stern, vigorously shake your head and send poor, desperate Mary and Joseph packing. You now are virulently pro-Brexit, voted for UKIP eight times and stood as a candidate once, and drive a white van with a massive poppy on the front.


As the little donkey, you didn’t have to do anything in the school nativity apart from look cute. You carried this over into the rest of your life and coasted on your good looks for years. Everything went swimmingly for you until you hit 40 and your face collapsed into like a cake in the rain. Nobody likes you now.


You think you’re effervescent and fascinating, lighting up every room you walk into with your fabulous personality. You’re actually a tiresome narcissist who everyone slags off behind your back. Playing an angel was the first step in your current career as a chronically underemployed actor.


If there is a disaster or a crisis, people turn to you to save the day. You’ve got a mammoth ego but are forgiven for it because people feel safe in your capable, comforting presence. You are now a doctor or a lawyer with a big car, a second home and a secret lover.