A Christmas Carol adapted by the BBC to represent 'both sides'

A NEW adaption of the Dickens classic will dispense with the woke socialist values of the original and offer a balanced view on hoarding wealth.

Miserly businessman Ebenezer Scrooge will be rewritten as a more sympathetic figure who is concerned that excessive generosity makes people too dependent on others.

Executive producer Martin Bishop said: “We owe it to the public to present an unbiased story that represents all perspectives equally. Who are we to say whether greed is good or bad?

“We’ve made a few alterations to counterbalance the left-wing spirit of the original. After all, why should Scrooge be the only character to change? Bob Cratchit could work a bit harder, maybe even get a second job.

“And those do-gooding ghosts seem too much like activists. We’ve changed it so that the Ghost of Christmas Present shows Scrooge how he already contributes a lot to society due to things like trickle down economics.

“We believe this new version of the festive classic shows the arguments both for and against being a selfish bastard, even though it does mean Tiny Tim gets taken away by social services.

“Please can you all stop trying to defund us now?”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Cousins feeling obliged to pretend they're mates

A GROUP of cousins at a Christmas family gathering feel under pressure to pretend they know the first thing about each other’s lives.

The Tomlinsons haven’t seen each other since Auntie Jane’s last Christmas drinks party, an excruciating event that mostly involves standing around hoping Uncle Richard doesn’t get started on immigrants.

Hannah Tomlinson explained: “It’s not that me and the cousins don’t get on, it’s just that aside from this yearly party and the odd family funeral, we have f**k all contact with each other.

“I was relieved to get out of it last year due to Covid, but all that’s done is made us even more estranged. However, so as not to upset Grandma, we’re all doing our best to pretend to remember what each other’s jobs are.

“I can’t even pad things out with normal conversation fillers such as lying about how cute their kids are because I’ve got all their names muddled up since last time.

“In desperation for a topic of conversation I suggested we create a cousins WhatsApp group, which I regret now. It’s going to be even more embarrassing when we meet up next Christmas and not one of us has been arsed to send a message.”