Office dickhead referring to every day this week as 'Twixmas'

A MORONIC office worker is delighting in calling every day between now and New Year ‘Twixmas’.

Stephen Malley is irritating colleagues who are already fed up with being back at their desks so soon by repeatedly using a cretinous phrase that refers to the period between Christmas and New Year.

Malley said: “No-one enjoys being at work while most people are still at home watching Christmas movies and binge drinking on the sofa, so I thought I’d lift everyone’s spirits by dropping this phrase into conversation.

“Every morning I kick the office door open and bellow ‘IIT’S TWIIIXMAAAS!’ in my best Noddy Holder voice. And even though nobody so much as looks up from their screens, I know it’s giving them a warm, happy glow inside.”

Malley’s line manager Tom Logan said: “The most annoying part is that he throws Twix bars at us while he says it, even though they’ve got nothing to do with this handful of days.

“I used to like eating a Twix but now even thinking of them makes me angry. So I think we’ll have to let Stephen go in the next round of redundancies.”

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Christmas more commercial than kid could have even dreamed

A LITTLE boy has been delighted to realise that Christmas is more of a hollow capitalist scam than he dared to dream possible.

Eight-year-old Jack Browne expected Christmas to be a profit-driven shell of its former Christian self, but the importance attached to mindless consumerism exceeded even his wildest expectations.

Browne said: “I was worried Covid might have given everyone a sense of perspective. So imagine my joy when I woke up to discover everyone’s been cashing in on Christmas as much as possible.

“Toys that’ll be ignored in a day or two, stupidly expensive perfume and aftershave mum and dad don’t really want, miscellaneous junk like an ugly musical elf. Yes, it’s been an orgy of brainwashed purchasing.

“There hasn’t been a single mention of today’s religious significance. Instead the whole family’s been furiously unwrapping their presents, listening to novelty songs and working out how to spunk another small fortune in the sales.

“This afternoon we’ll eat specially branded Christmas food then spend another evening slumped in front of the telly watching yuletide editions of our favourite programmes. I won’t think about baby Jesus once.

“Christmas truly is the most magical date in the Q4 calendar. I hope I never grow out of feeling this addicted to material possessions, or remember that today’s about family and loved ones.”