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Six signs your girlfriend is wanking furiously and you're oblivious

SURELY she isn’t. But then there are odd little hints that your significant other is masturbating as frenziedly as a man would. These are the signs: 

Over-lengthy showers

She is in there for ages. And at points seems to be gasping in a manner not wholly associated with cleanliness. She innocently claims she’s using the ‘Wim Hof cold rinse’ because ‘it’s so invigorating’ which makes sense, and explains why she’s so flushed coming out of there. False alarm.

Disappearing upstairs for age

She claims she’s just ‘sorting her wardrobe’ and as you have no idea what that entails, maybe it does take 45 minutes and require drawn curtains. And she only did it three days ago, and you’d swear you can hear the bed shaking and tinny voices as if from a phone speaker. Actually she was watching a YouTube about colour matching. So that was it.

Suspicious afterglow

After vanishing, she reappears wreathed in smiles and glowing radiantly. Odd, considering she was ‘tidying up her tax expenses’ for the third time this week. You guess it must, though complicated and time-consuming, be ultimately gratifying. Maybe you should follow her lead and go self-employed, she’s clearly loving it.

Not interested in sex

She’s tired, she’s not feeling it, she just needs an early night. There are more half-arsed excuses than a Keir Starmer statement but it all adds up to her never really being up for a shag. And you’ve not got worse at it or anything. Could it be related to that oblong package she got and the batteries in your spare Xbox controller going missing? Nah. Coincidence.

Late-night bathroom trips

You had hopes tonight, but she wasn’t interested even though you went for it after no more than 45 seconds of foreplay, to save time. Then she disappears to the loo and is in there for some time. Longer than you’d expect in your dozing state. And when she returns she’s smiling serenely and is asleep in minutes. Must have been a satisfying dump.

Changing the duvet cover in the spare room

She’s become incredibly fastidious about that box room. Forever vanishing into it then washing the duvet again, even when you’ve had no overnight guests. Still, cleanliness is next to godliness and all that. You’re lucky to have a girlfriend so on it when it comes to housework.

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'Marriage is a painful struggle you have to work at every single day' says couple who hate each other

A HUSBAND and wife who clearly loathe each other are under the impression that every marriage is a horrible, relentless slog day after bitter day.

Stephen and Emma Malley, who have been together for ten years, believe that marriage is not all about good times, that it is work, that communicating every tiny resentment is key and that what does not kill your marriage makes it stronger.

Stephen said: “Couples should know that when they get married, everything changes. Suddenly the woman you loved becomes someone it’s a chore to even look at.

“The first half of the relationship is easy mode. After that it’s work, it’s suffering, it’s shouldering the daily burden of finding a sliver of happiness inside a living hell.”

Emma agrees, saying: “Dating may be fun, your wedding may be fun, but marriage is a slog. You wake up every morning and have to forcibly remind yourself this pig-ignorant prick was once someone you liked.

“Every second that you resist the urge to download Tinder and see what else is out there, you’re winning an impossible battle. That’s marriage.”

Friend of the couple Julian Cook said: “They think the whole point is to be unhappy, so why would they ever break up?

“Every other Instagram post is about how they ‘drive each other up the wall’ and experience ‘high highs but even more crushing lows’. Meanwhile, I like my wife. She’s a laugh.”

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