Six tasks you'll continue to perform while busting for a piss

COMMON sense dictates you should go to the loo, but you feel compelled to have a white-knuckle race between completing a minor chore and weeing yourself. Which will win?

Putting shopping away

In the time it takes to have a piss your shopping will not go off, defrost, or walk away. However the urge to put everything away is strong. Due to the mounting piss crisis the task will be rushed, items will go in the wrong places and you’ll have to reorganise everything later. At which point gravity will win and a nosy neighbour peering into your back garden will have a view of you sitting on the kitchen sink they’re unlikely to forget.

Making a brew

You’re making a hot drink, but need the loo. So why continue? Pouring and stirring will only make a desperate situation worse. If you do manage to finish, you’ll have to leave it cooling down while you race to the loo. But because you don’t like tepid coffee you stupidly try to squeeze in drinking it too. As one hot liquid enters your body another exits.

Feeding the pets

You love your pets, but they won’t starve in the time it takes for you to wee. Opening a tin of cat food and bending down to place the bowl on the floor will test your bulging bladder to the limit and Sheba may have to dine while standing in a warm puddle. Don’t even think about going near the fish tank – the sight of all that water will trigger your waterworks like flood gates being opened in an emergency.

Tidying up

Why do out-of-place cushions and chairs take precedence over the crippling spasms of holding a pint of piss in? You know the tidying will continue onto straightening curtains and sorting through papers until the point of no return comes and a vase will contain something unusual for flowers to drink.

Hanging up the washing 

You put a wash on before you left the house. Now it’s been sitting there for hours, no doubt in the early stages of growing mould, so despite your bladder screaming to be emptied you feel a burning desire to hang it out. Trying to neatly hang a full load of damp clothes while doing a jig and clenching your bladder muscles is a near-impossible feat, so it’s lucky you dropped a towel on the floor. Better wash that again now.

Staying on a call

Whether audio or video, not finishing a call is a gamble. Your twitchiness and blunt responses will suggest you’re rude and unpleasant to deal with, which you really aren’t when your bladder sphincter isn’t about to give way. It’s best to excuse yourself before your boss or a business client hears a torrent of piss being unleashed as you sit there with a look of horror and ecstasy on your face, and makes it the last time you ever speak.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

How you'll never have sex again if you don't shave your balls, by the makers of ball trimmers

YOU’VE seen our YouTube ads so you know that hairy bollocks are socially unacceptable. Here’s why women will be repulsed and you’ll die alone if you don’t trim:

Hairy balls look like a shower blockage

Unshaven testicles look like a matted clump of stinky hair pulled from the shower drain, causing any potential mate to retch before disappearing from your life forever. Decades later, a broken man drinking Tesco vodka alone in a filthy bedsit, you’ll know it could all have been different if you’d just bought a ball trimmer.

Shaved balls evoke a new fitted kitchen

Shaved scrotal sacs look shiny and smooth, like a brand new work surface or Bosch oven, which are women’s favourite things. Apart from the fact that’ll she’ll want adventurous sex all the time, a £50 balls trimmer is a lot cheaper than soft-close drawers and a granite-topped island.

Unshaved balls make you little more than a beast

Like a cat, dog or monkey. Who knows what you’ll do next? Defecate in your hand and fling it at the television? Or are you going to sit there unselfconsciously licking your anus clean? Women don’t want to be with a man who might start humping their favourite Laura Ashley cushions, so get our ball trimmer, ideally one of the pricey £160 ones.

Who knows what’s living in there?

Anything could be hiding in your impenetrable thicket of knacker pubes – spiders, cockroaches, a colony of field mice. All waiting to leap onto your girlfriend’s face. A ball trimmer will give you both peace of mind.

You could become entangled in machinery

You’re walking past a cement mixer or lathe. One of your Rapunzelesque pubes becomes entangled, dragging you groin-first into the machinery. A quick death would be merciful. More likely you’ll be castrated and become one of those perverts who ends up in A&E with a ketchup bottles up his bum for sexual gratification.

Women find bodily hair disgusting

1970s hairy chests, hirsute backs, and Fred West sideburns all repel women, along with big hairy balls like eyeless Flumps. All females prefer the hairless look, fact. What else explains the appeal of chromedome Jason Statham? It’s not his films.

Go-getters have shaved balls

Sleek, hairless, aerodynamic balls denote an Alpha male. Your life consists of high-performance cars, billion-dollar business deals and luxury yachts. When a woman realises this could have been her life but instead she’s dating a £25k-a-year Fiat Punto-driving hairy-balled loser she will leave you.

You might be a werewolf

Are werewolves real? We cannot know for sure, but yes. The key sign of a lycanthrope is hairy testicles. No woman wants to risk waking in the night to find you munching on an eviscerated sheep carcass, especially if she’s got a Powerpoint presentation later. So buy a f**king ball trimmer. We’re not going to stop pestering until we’ve shifted 14 million.