Five perfectly normal things that dickheads have decided are woke

HAS the culture war distorted your worldview into that of a dickhead? Do you consider these everyday things to be woke overreach?


For normal people, tofu is a meat substitute to be avoided because it tastes of less than chicken. For dickheads, this white bean curd is the sole diet of a nefarious radical left blob that wants to indoctrinate innocent kids into Marxism. If a Churchill statue was made of tofu, GB News would demand it be torn down.

Women being on TV

To the untrained eye, a woman presenting QI or being Doctor Who is an unremarkable reflection of a wider population which contains women. Not so for a dickhead. They think it’s the latest in a series of box-ticking rules designed to repress men and usher in a new era of matriarchal tyranny. They’ve got no problem with ‘the fit blonde one’ on Countdown though, oddly. That’s Corbynites.

Electric cars

‘Electric cars? What’s next, electric…’ a dickhead will sneer, before failing to think of a punchline. As far as they’re concerned, cars should run on dead dinosaur juice and steadily destroy the environment. Cars powered by batteries only encourage their nemesis, Greta Thunberg, to save the planet for their other nemesis, under-25s.

The term ‘people of colour’

Woke, or a more respectful way of referring to people who are not white? Depends who you ask. Most agree that it’s an improvement on what they used to be called, whereas dickheads will claim it’s an attack on their liberty to use whatever terms they deem appropriate. Usually followed with ‘well if Chris Rock’s allowed to say it…’

Wheelchair ramps

Dickheads are scared of things they don’t understand. This includes considerations for people with needs that are different to their own. Far from being a basic accessibility measure, a wheelchair ramp will be seen as an expensive frippery likely mandated by the EU. Why not pave over them and build a luxury flat I can rent out, they’ll wonder.

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Eight celebrities whose sex lives you would prefer never to have known about

THERE are celebrities whose sex lives you’d happily read a 1,000-page book about, and celebrities you’d prefer not to think of that way. Guess which ones share? 

Vanessa Feltz

Talking about faking her orgasms, Feltz said: ‘When you’re not concentrating and thinking about defrosting the freezer… you’ve got to fake it.’ The phrasing ensured that, when not concentrating and defrosting the freezer, you will now think about Feltz and ex Ben Ofoedu going at it mechanically and without passion.

Matt Hancock

Watching the video of the then-health secretary grinding his lover up against a wall like a teenager at a disco was traumatic. His hands scuttling like a pair of xenomorphs made it so much worse and now he won’t shut up about how in love he is, behaving like he and Gina are the new Katie and Peter when they are very much f**king not.

Richard Madeley

Rusty tortoise Madeley is as unruffled about discussing sex as he is about paying for champagne before leaving Tesco. From iced-water ball-baths to asking guests if they would rather shag him or his wife, anyone who watched This Morning in the 1990s remains haunted by the glimpses behind the boudoir curtain.

Hulk Hogan

Back in 2007, the former wrestler and star of Mr Nanny spent a pleasant afternoon being fellated by his best friend’s wife. The subsequent video – they filmed it, to look back on – appeared on Gawker for the delectation of a world that loved Hulkamania in childhoods that are now retroactively ruined.

Edwina Currie

While not enforcing sexual puritanism, the ministers in Thatcher’s government were shagging each other. Edwina Currie did her best to make John Major look like an absolute player by calling him a ‘sexy beast’ in reference to their well-publicised affair. He’s not a sexy beast though, is he? He’s John Major. And he did it with her.

The Krankies

An act that claimed to be a naughty schoolboy and his father but were in reality man and wife already didn’t bear thinking about. Revelations that the couple were swingers in the 1980s and had wild sex on boats deepened this unease to psychological scarring. Britain can no longer hear ‘Fandabidozi!’ without wincing.

Gino D’Acampo

Like a confessional box but instead of a box it’s a desk and instead of a priest it’s ITV2’s Celebrity Juice, Gino D‘Acampo couldn’t wait to unburden himself of the weird shit he’d been doing with his cousin. Too unpleasant to repeat here, the story is best buried somewhere nobody will ever have to hear it again. So ITV2 then.