subscribe
/ Sign Out

Tories expected to take crushing defeat well

THE Conservative party and their client media are expected to take their absolute defeat by Gary Lineker on the chin and not bear any grudges. 

Tories ostensibly uninvolved in Lineker’s suspension, apart from demanding it, cheering it and ludicrously claiming a silent 20-minute Match of the Day was brilliant, are planning to forget it and move on.

Denys Finch Hatton, member for Kenilworth and Southam said: “No hard feelings. After all, we love the BBC almost as much as we love the NHS.

“So, even though we had our arses surgically detached and served to us with a flourish under a big silver cloche in front of all our important friends, we’re not going to plot revenge in any way.

“After all, it’s not like our pets in the media resent the BBC, is it? For providing popular entertainment and trusted news their plutocrat owners can’t compete with? So the motivation just isn’t there.

“And, what with us getting kicked out of power for a good decade shortly, it’s not as though we’ve got nothing to lose. We’re hardly going to smash Britain up like we’re the Bullingdon Club or anything.

“So expect no retaliation from us, and certainly not the abolition of the licence fee and that jug-eared f**ker getting locked in jail for his tax affairs. It’s just not the Tory way.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday
privacy

Six things that are wasted on young people, and it's not just because you're bitter and middle-aged

YOUNG people have the best of everything life has to offer and are too entitled to appreciate it, explains 49-year-old Joanna Kramer: 

Good health

The vigour of youth shrugs off the abuses of adolescents staying up all night on Red Bull and Skittles Crazy Sours, but they don’t even do it. They’re all in gyms and drinking decaf with soy milk. They should give their robust constitutions to those who need them, like parents putting away a bottle of wine and a rogan josh for one every night.

Joie de vivre

They’ve got all this energy and they spend it slumped around playing video games until they’re too hairy to move. That zest and zing should be given to older people, who’ve got jobs and hoovering to do. If Gen X had endless enthusiasm and verve the world be a less noisy and more efficiently categorised place, and wouldn’t that be a joy?

Teeth

The next step in human evolution should be to make your first set of teeth last until 30, so once the young have bleached theirs to the point of degradation they’ve got a new set coming through. Which would be appreciated and cared for by wiser minds who would only chew gum all night on MDMA occasionally.

Mastery of technology

It’s easy for them. They only have to pick up a new technology and they’ve mastered it. And what do they use it for? Pulling faces, doing TikToks, or gormlessly binge-watching crap. If the middle-aged had their natural skill, they’d be able to hack their work laptop so the boss couldn’t tell when they were having a little afternoon sleep.

Free thought

Young people have the gift of liberated thought unrestrained by convention and imposed beliefs, and that’s why their ideas are altogether rather silly. It should only be available to older people who could really make a progressive difference in the world by very slightly adjusting existing systems in their favour.

Virility

Saddled with the biological urge to copulate, the young are always up each other regardless of consequence. Meanwhile couples who must love each other or they wouldn’t have stayed married since 2003 barely manage sex twice a year. They should siphon out their hormones and give them to us, except they’re all bisexual now so not those ones.

Next story ›