Baggy jeans and big boobs: fashion signs that we're heading for a second Great Depression

ECONOMISTS may look to interest rates and GDP, but the strongest sign we’re in the financial shitter is teens with their boxers up over their waistbands again. And these: 

Baggy jeans

Thought we’d left these shapeless, sexless, uncomfortable atrocities in the 00s? No, they’re back, they’re ugly, and they’re very useful for maximising the amount of basic foodstuffs you can shoplift.


If the aforementioned shoplifting fails, the balaclava trend means you’re already sorted for a full-blown armed robbery.

Big boobs

Back when the money was flowing, people were too happy or coked up to care about objectifying women’s bodies. Now that we can’t afford heating, however, we can only dream of having that extra bit of built-in insulation.

Fringed dresses

Dangling threads everywhere, the chic fringed dress trend is easy to replicate by buying any item from Primark and wearing it twice.

Newsboy hats

The craze of the newsboy hat proves that we’re hitting the 1930s worldwide depression fad early. Although, in current markets, ‘newsboy’ is a job that even university grads are struggling to break into, unless they have family connections for an unpaid internship.

Candyfloss pink

The new shade is a gentle, delicate pink, easily achieved by not being able to do a separate whites wash and putting last season’s fuchsia in the mix. Now everything’s pink.

Vintage clothing

It sounds chic, but what it’s actually called is ‘a brand new coat would cost a hundred f**king pounds’. It’s wonderful to be praised for paying tribute to the 90s with your low-rise capris, when you’re actually wearing them because your mum was throwing them out and you shouted ‘Don’t!’

Tooth gems

Unfortunately, the appearance of tooth gems means that we’re already too far gone. Our collective brokenness has resulted in a collective insanity.

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Six things you can't believe they do as standard in America

EVER been to the USA and wondered ‘What the f**k is going on?’ You’re not alone. These six American normalities are baffling to decent people: 

Tipping loads for everything

Back home you might tip 10 per cent, if there’s not already a service charge and service has, in fact, been excellent. In the US that’s seen as a dire insult that might end in an Western-style barroom brawl. You have to tip everyone you meet at least 20 per cent, whether it’s the hotel concierge or a mugger, even if they’re a prick.

Valet parking

In any big city parking is not only astronomically expensive, you’re not trusted to do it. Introducing the valet, who you pay to park your car for you with the unspoken understanding that they won’t just drive off with it or rifle through your glovebox. F**king nuts and would never fly in Birmingham.

Commercials for medicine

While you trust your GP to offer you whatever drugs you need, in America they advertise prescription medication on TV like it’s McDonalds. Happy people recommend you ask your doctor for Klarinptron. Listen out for the five-minute-long spiel at the end detailing minor side effects like internal bleeding and loss of motor functions.

Massive toilet gaps

Even the most boutique restaurants in the fanciest cities have bathroom – sorry, ‘restroom’ – stalls with a healthy two-foot gap at the bottom and top. Is it to make sure you’re not shooting up? Is it in case you get stuck? For all the privacy it affords you might as well be shitting in a urinal.

Late-night talk shows

At 11.30pm in Britain, there’s the rest of a film on BBC1, a repeat of a panel show on Channel 4 and bugger all on anywhere else, because it’s time to go to bed. At 11.30pm in the US a whole slate of competing talk shows begin competing for your attention, and after them more shows running until half past f**king one. Who’s watching them?

Not being allowed to drink until you’re 35

Alright, 21. But it’s still insane that you can get married, join the army and take out a $100,000 student loan before enjoying a disgusting can of Bud. And when they finally can drink they barely bother. Though maybe that’s for the best, considering how easy it is to get hold of a assault rifle.