ARE you spending a lot of time on frustrating Zoom calls? Here is a guide to things you shouldn’t have in the background.
A poorly thought-out bookcase
It’s important to take time to reorder your shelves so that your pristine editions of A Brief History of Time and Ulysses can clearly be seen over your shoulder, while your body obscures your well-thumbed copies of Fifty Shades of Grey or loads of Sven Hassel SS novels.
Shit sports trophies
If someone asks what that silver cup is, don’t put yourself through the humiliation of admitting it was a trophy you won 30 years ago for taking part in an egg-and-spoon race. And everyone got one.
We’ve all seen the BBC interview with that guy in Korea where his kids burst in behind him. It was adorable. Kids ARE adorable. But when you finally snap and scream “STOP F**KING MESSING ABOUT WITH MY F**KING KEYBOARD YOU LITTLE F**KING BASTARDS!”, it can come across badly in a business meeting.
It’s easy to forget how slobby you have become during lockdown. Friends, family and colleagues do not need to see the pair of pants you’ve worn for three weeks drying on a ledge behind you. Particularly the skidmarks.
Any reflective surface behind you could reveal your screen. This risks revealing that you have relegated FaceTime to a tiny corner and opened a second, much larger, window to discreetly browse the Daily Mail sidebar and Pornhub. We’ll leave it you to decide which has the more insulting depiction of women.
Your personal bits have never felt so free! Just don’t stand up and reveal to work colleagues that you’ve been Donald Ducking it for weeks.