Six toys you never had as a child that left you scarred for life

DO you still have feelings of bitterness and resentment at not being bought certain highly desirable toys as a child? Read this list as a form of therapy.

Action Man training tower

Unbelievably impressive and your friend Iain had one. If your parents didn’t buy it for you they must have hated you. On the other hand, all you could really do was send an Action Man down a short death slide, and it came with odd stuff like tiny spoons. Discuss this with your therapist.

Tickle Me Elmo

Plush, cute and packed with cutting-edge toy technology, the 1990s Elmo sold out instantly everywhere. If you didn’t have one to teach you conversation, empathy and tactile skills that’s why all your relationships have failed and you will die alone.

Sindy doll house 

These were massive, and much nicer than the crummy flat or two-bed semi you live in now. If you could somehow shrink down to tiny size and live in a three-storey Sindy house, all your property problems would be solved. It might be a good idea to install a toilet, though.

A skateboard

You should have had a skateboard. Ignore the fact that when you did actually try skateboarding, you just wobbled a bit and fell off. Still, it’s your parents’ fault that you don’t have a multi-million dollar skateboard franchise like Tony Hawk.

Millennium Falcon

An expensive but superbly designed toy. Okay, the chess table didn’t literally generate holograms, and the quad-cannon just made a clicky sound. But if you did not have this as a child your parents must have rued the day you were born. Maybe you were ‘unwanted’. At least they didn’t put you in care.

Palitoy Family Treehouse

If your parents were too tight to stump up for this, at least you don’t have dreams of living a life of perfect conformity inside a giant spring-loaded plastic tree.

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'I'm not racist, I've got a mixed-race sister-in-law' says William

PRINCE William has defended the Royal Family from accusations of racism by pointing out he knows a woman of colour.

After bravely stating the Royals were ‘very much not a racist family’ while scuttling away from reporters, the second in line to the throne highlighted the fact that he had a sister-in-law of mixed race.    

Prince William said: “I know it looks like I’m grasping at straws right now, but think it through. My brother is married to a woman of colour so it’s impossible for me to be racist.

“Just ask any tattooed skinhead EDL member and they’ll tell you that’s exactly how it works. They’ve always got one mate who’s black, and he’s alright.

“A quick skim through the old family photo album will show you the Royal Family are as un-racist as they come. We’ve got so many black friends in Commonwealth countries we ruled over.

“There’s a lovely picture of gran and Philip being carried on sedan chairs by Tuvalu natives while looking bored yet amused.

“If that’s not the sign of a progressive, forward-thinking family then I don’t know what is.”