Saturday, 8th May 2021

How to get your fix of gossip during lockdown

BORED out of your mind? Starved of tittle-tattle? Here’s how to experience the incredible high of hearing gossip while you’re shut indoors.

Talk to friends and family

Everyone’s putting on a brave face right now, but if you scratch the surface there’s a treasure trove of spite waiting to be unearthed. A simple ‘So how are things?’ said with the right intonation will get loved ones bitching about their partner or ripping into their housemate in no time.

Watch old Jeremy Kyle clips on YouTube

This one’s a bit of a trade-off. You won’t get the kick that only comes from hearing scandalous stories about people you know, however the numerous sleazy sexploits of a stranger called Jim from Manchester back in 2006 will be vastly more exciting than anything your social circle is capable of. Plus you won’t have to sit through the ads.

Join a WhatsApp Group

These are the information superhighways of gossip. Connect with your street’s WhatsApp Group and watch as curtain twitching rumours about suspected raves and the atrocious bin situation at number 23 come pouring in. There will be such a flurry of messages that you’re likely to become addicted, so this is strictly for the hardcore gossip.

Carry an ear trumpet

Lugging around a large metal funnel might make you look like a hard-of-hearing Victorian, but it’s the best way to eavesdrop on other people while you’re out and about. Press it against your ear while nervously queuing at the Co-Op, and not even a distance of several metres can prevent you from listening in on a squabbling couple.

Make up your own

Still can’t get your hands on gossip? Give back to the community by sharing your own that you’ve made up. As well as being a good deed, this might nudge people into revealing a similar thing that happened to them. Your made-up friend may not really be into ‘furry’ porn, but now you know Jeff down the road is.