HEADING down the pub? Just make sure you don’t go to any of these hellish watering holes.
There’s nothing more relaxing than feeling you could be glassed at any second. Luckily there are subtle warning signs that you might be in a rough pub: people with recent facial stitches; casuals in the toilets doing coke; and fights instead of having a burger and curly fries at lunchtime.
The ‘f**king hell this is expensive’ pub
You’ll know you’re in one if three glasses of wine cost almost 30 quid. Frequently gastropubs with pretensions, these could be used to set lifelong alcoholics back on the path to sobriety just from the sheer cost of drinking in them.
Upper middle class twats’ pub
Mainly found in nice places like Hampstead and Cheltenham. The pubs themselves tend to be charming, but filled with the worst kind of affluent scum. Perfect if you want your pint to be ruined by some twat called Bruno loudly talking about his internship with Facebook while Polly and Portia shriek with laughter sycophantically.
The ultra-generic modern pub
With shiny new woodwork and some historical prints, these characterless voids are like stepping into a computer simulation of a pub. They also try to suck in every potential customer, so expect to wait at the bar for ages while pensioners take f**king forever to order a pot of tea and some fairy cakes.
Real ale twats’ pub
There’s nothing wrong with real ale, just the people who drink it. These beardo-the-weirdo types will clog up the bar area as they look for new and obscure brews, and will ask for a ‘taste’ of Old Cobbler’s Nutsack, or whatever, instead of just buying a f**king pint.
Family ‘fun’ pub
Dante’s 10th circle of Hell. If you like drinking in a filthy aircraft hangar full of screaming kids, this is the pub for you. The only upside is that you can relive your childhood by ordering fish fingers and baked beans for £1.50.