Six unexpected expenses to f**k up your monthly budget

IT’S a week until payday and in a delicate balancing act of restraint and thrift you’ve got cash left. Then this happens: 

Friend’s birthday

Why did you make the mistake of being popular and having lots of mates to shell out for?  Not only do you have to buy a present and a card, you also have to dig deep for drinks all evening. Why can’t they be happy with a cheap and cheerful ‘Happy birthday’ typed robotically onto their Facebook profile?

Date night

Dating apps are free but dates are anything but. First you have to take your one good shirt to the laundrette, and then you’ve got to cover the cost of a tense meal with a stranger judging your every conversational gambit. Staying alone and unloved forever is financially the smart move.

Bodily maintenance

The fleshy sack of organs you inhabit is always demanding something, whether that’s daily feeding or a terrible haircut. If you could bypass these expenses by selling your body off and living as a brain in a wallet-friendly jar of brine, you’d make huge savings.

Something breaking

It could be a lock, a washing machine or a bed, but yesterday it was working fine and now it’s broken and has to be fixed. So there goes anything between £50 and £500 just to restore your life to the shitty state of last Tuesday.

Needless impulse purchases

An occasional fancy coffee or book won’t doom you to bankruptcy, but you’re buying this crap five times a day and winning eBay auctions in the evening, it all started to add up a long time ago, and now your bank is better acquainting you with the words ‘final warning’ in red capitals.

Rent and utilities

Even the most cautious misers get blindsided by this shit, and the only way to get around them is to live under a bridge and invent cold fusion. You could always move back in with your parents, but you’d be better off under the bridge.

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Jump the queue at Thorpe Park, and 17 other privileges the double-vaccinated will have within a month

THE double-vaccinated will soon be allowed to attend gigs, go to nightclubs, travel abroad and put their rubbish in your wheelie bin. What else? 

* Allowed to use your downstairs toilet without asking even if not a tradesman

* Go through supermarket checkouts after 4pm on a Sunday

* Get Japanese-only import tracks on albums

* Exempted from hosepipe bans

* Diplomatic immunity

* Straight to the front of the queue for Stealth at Thorpe Park, even if you’ve literally just got off

* Complimentary meet-and-greet with Peter Andre

* Phone call from a lower-league footballer

* Drink-driving limit raised to three pints

* Can order cinemas to fast-forward credits of Marvel film straight to extra scene

* Own personal branch of Pret A Manger

* Choice of exclusive Professor Chris Whitty or Professor Jonathan Van-Tam skins on Fortnite

* Legal cannabis

* Joie de vivre and spring in step guaranteed

* Can order breakfast at McDonald’s right up until noon

* Secret September bank holiday

* Can choose one unvaccinated person within a 1.2 mile radius of their home address to be tarred and feathered and run out of town

* Massively reduced risk of contracting, getting hospitalised with or dying from f**king Covid