Monday, 6th July 2020

Straight Pride festival to be BBQ in Homebase car park with Ed Sheeran on repeat

A MAN has organised a Straight Pride festival that reflects his heterosexual values by putting on a barbecue in a corner of Homebase car park. 

The barbecue, which will not include vegetarian options, will be soundtracked by Ed Sheeran’s three albums in rotation from a CD changer in the boot of a Ford Fiesta Zetec.

Wayne Hayes of Derby said: “I’ve invited everyone on the Straights WhatsApp group. If they invite all the straights they know, etcetera, that’s 60 million people. So people’ll have to pitch in on food.

“I had to do something. We’re becoming marginalised. It’s all gay on prime-time family TV now, not like in the 1970s with Are You Being Served and Larry Grayson.

“This is a celebration of our culture. We’ll be ranking our favourite Jason Statham films, talking about motorway networks, expertly valuing football players and drinking two beers because we’re driving.

“Women? I think they’re having their own in an All Bar One. I don’t know. Being straight, I don’t have much to do with them.”

When asked how ‘Straight Pride’ would be any different from any other day, Hayes said: “I’m not looking at any gay porn. And I mean it this time.”