Straight Pride festival to be BBQ in Homebase car park with Ed Sheeran on repeat

A MAN has organised a Straight Pride festival that reflects his heterosexual values by putting on a barbecue in a corner of Homebase car park. 

The barbecue, which will not include vegetarian options, will be soundtracked by Ed Sheeran’s three albums in rotation from a CD changer in the boot of a Ford Fiesta Zetec.

Wayne Hayes of Derby said: “I’ve invited everyone on the Straights WhatsApp group. If they invite all the straights they know, etcetera, that’s 60 million people. So people’ll have to pitch in on food.

“I had to do something. We’re becoming marginalised. It’s all gay on prime-time family TV now, not like in the 1970s with Are You Being Served and Larry Grayson.

“This is a celebration of our culture. We’ll be ranking our favourite Jason Statham films, talking about motorway networks, expertly valuing football players and drinking two beers because we’re driving.

“Women? I think they’re having their own in an All Bar One. I don’t know. Being straight, I don’t have much to do with them.”

When asked how ‘Straight Pride’ would be any different from any other day, Hayes said: “I’m not looking at any gay porn. And I mean it this time.”

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Tax cuts but - get this - for the rich, says Boris

BORIS Johnson has blindsided rivals for the Tory leadership by proposing tax cuts but – let this sink in – for the already wealthy. 

The unexpected and disruptive move has shocked the country, with higher earners believing that it is crazy but that it just might work. 

Conservative MP Denys Finch Hatton said: “Tax cuts for the poor you could have expected. They’re struggling, and they’re a vastly bigger pool of spending to invigorate the economy. 

“But for those earning more than £50k a year? At first I was like ‘nonsense’ then I thought, ‘wait a second, I earn that much and I’m always wishing I had a bit more’. 

“And apparently everyone will do well out of it because of libertarian economics, which means I don’t even have to feel guilty. I think this Boris maverick may just have won my vote.” 

Johnson said: “I am promising things that will not work and I cannot deliver. And I will keep those promises.”