Stupid eyebrows may be contagious, Britain warned

DOCTORS have warned that an epidemic of horribly heavy comedy eyebrows appears to be spreading across the UK.

The mysterious condition, which affects only a handful of men but 70 per cent of woman aged between 14 and 35, is thought to be spreading via popular social media app Instagram.

Tom Logan of Colchester believes his girlfriend Hayley has developed symptoms, though she refuses to talk about it and acts as if it is perfectly normal.

He said: “I kept seeing her watching YouTube tutorials where women began with normal eyebrows and end up with these huge heavy things like a swooping hawk. When I asked why she slammed her laptop closed.

“Then the other day she went into town, still with normal, human eyebrows, and came back with these massive thick ones that make her look permanently surprised.

“All her friends have them too. It’s like a child with a black crayon defaced them to look like Cara Delevingne.”

Health expert Helen Archer warned “False Eyebrow Syndrome is highly contagious, and it’s spreading fast. Britain is close to becoming one massive stupid eyebrow.”

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Aw look, it's likkle teeny-weeny cutesy-wutesy Trumpy-wumpy

THE British public is smiling indulgently at a cute little tiny wee baby Trump lookalike that has been performing in the House of Commons. 

Across the UK, people have been delighted by the pampered infant with its silly wispy hair doing an adorable impression of President Trump whipping up anger against his opponents for the mess it has got itself in.

Joanna Kramer of Bath said: “Aw, bless! It’s almost just the same, except tiny and pitiful and weak which only makes it more endearing!

“Look, it’s trying to make us angry about Jo Cox! Its chubby baby fists are all clenched in frustration. My heart is just melting.

“I like it best when it tries to be all tough and threatening. It’s so pathetic it gives me the giggles. Is little Trumpy-wumpy all upset? Is he? Is he?”

Nathan Muir agreed: “Aw, he’s trying to install himself as the head of a popular mass movement but he hasn’t got Fox News. Where’s your Fox News baby? Is it behind my back?

“Does baby want his Brexit? Does he? No, no Brexit for you because you can’t be trusted with it. Aah, look at his big blue eyes. He’s crying.”