Teenager discovers amazing ability to ruin holiday for everyone else

A TEENAGE girl has discovered she has the superhuman ability to completely f**k up a family holiday for everyone else involved.

Hannah Tomlinson, aged 13, first exercised her incredible new power on the third day of a fortnight’s trip to Majorca and was astonished to find that she, single-handed, could effortlessly ruin it for four other people.

She said: “Dad said that we’d spent yesterday on the beach so we had to do some medieval castle bullshit, and it was like it awoke a great sleeping giant within me as I screamed ‘f**k off’.

“He still made us, but I trudged there muttering, tripped and cut my foot and cried, said my life may as well be over and it was all their fault, and it was incredible. My dad, my mum, both brothers: all stunned into silence, not one of them able to extract any enjoyment.

“I thought it was a one-off, but then I came down to the hotel buffet the next morning and once again found my strange new ability rising within me, devastating the whole family as I said, without warning, ‘I’m vegan’.

“It happened every day after that. I barely even had to try. All I had to do was get sunburned, lose my phone, get a spot or find them all boring and the whole thing was ruined.

“It’s like being one of the X-Men, but my superpower is spreading misery, disappointment and costing my parents £4,500 for a holiday they hated. I can’t wait to see what it does in future.”

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Woman advised she hasn't dated enough dickheads

A WOMAN has not yet dated enough dickheads to appreciate a date who is only dickhead-adjacent, he has told her.

Sophie Rodriguez, aged 24, was on a first date with 31-year-old James Bates when he quizzed her about her dating history before advising her to date ten to 15 dickheads then get back to him.

She said: “He was bragging about his skill at pan-searing salmon, his mildly impressive salary and his two-bed flat in Solihull, and I guess I looked unimpressed.

“At which point he stopped and said ‘Wait. You think I’m a dickhead?’ I admitted it and he shook his head in disbelief and said ‘Oh, little girl. You have so much to learn.’

“He explained that in today’s dating market he was actually an incredible catch, but I’d not dated enough of the total cocks, twats and wankshafts out there to realise that. And that he had no choice but to send me to date a few of them until I understood.

“After ordering for me, we went through Tinder and he recommended a few top-tier dickheads who would speed the process up, while assuring me that pretty much any random guy on there would make him seem like a real prince. While staring at my tits.

“I have no intention of ever seeing him again. I’m going to delete his number and date almost anyone else. Which is exactly what he’s told me to do, and the thing is: what if he’s right?”