The Cenotaph, and other places Britons would like there to be a Wetherspoons

WETHERSPOONS has announced plans to open branches in Haven holiday parks. It’s a good start, but there are many more places where patriotic, booze-loving Brits would like to see a Spoons.

The Cenotaph

Wetherspoons regulars tend to be passionate about our war dead, and after eight pints of Stella they’ll be so emotional they’ll be blubbing about the Somme, how Britain stood firm during the Battle of Britain and the nag who died in War Horse. Not to suggest this is in any way performative, but after 12 pints they’ll probably be sobbing over the selfless bravery of René from ‘Allo ‘Allo!.


Whether it’s for an endoscopy or getting a finger sewn back on, going to hospital is rarely a fun experience, so a few jars in an NHS Wetherspoons would cheer you up, and shite as Spoons’ food is, it’s still better than what hospitals give you. If you’re of a laddish persuasion, you may also wish to chat up any attractive nurses, and you’ll stand more chance of pulling if they’ve got a few drinks inside them. Although a catheter does cramp your style a bit.


At every funeral service you’re assured the deceased would prefer you to remember happy times with them. Which you could have more of if the coffin was in a Spoons. If you drank enough you’d probably forget they were dead, which would be a great comfort to the bereaved.

EU headquarters in Brussels

A Spoons in the dark heart of the EU would be one in the eye for Michel Barnier, assuming he’s still around. Brexiters would make the pilgrimage every year to get pissed, commit minor acts of vandalism and celebrate things like taking back control of our nonexistent fishing industry. The EU would look pretty stupid, or they might not give a toss. Either way you could get pissed fairly cheaply, and that’s a kind of Brexit victory in itself. (It’s best not to be too picky about ‘Brexit victories’.)

Soft play areas 

It’s misleading to call these places things like ‘The Happy FunTime House’ when the opposite is true for parents. There’s probably no other situation in which you need a drink more than a ball pit full of snot-dribbling, screaming toddlers, so all play areas should be located in a giant Wetherspoons. The drive home might be a bit fraught after 11 pints, but it all adds to the day’s excitement.

The Imperial War Museum 

This exists to celebrate our success in WW2 and the Germans being rubbish. A few pints are just what you need to really appreciate how bloody great Spitfires are, and there’s even the tail of Rudolf Hess’ Messerschmitt Bf 110 from when he flew to Scotland in a fit of delusion to try and negotiate peace with Britain, so you can have a good laugh at him with your mates. Haha, Hess, what a twat.

The Tate Modern

It’s extremely hard to argue that a Sarah Lucas exhibition of incomprehensible junk wouldn’t be better after seven pints of Old Peculiar, and even the most earnest Guardian reader trying to like art has to admit it gets boring staring at modernist coloured squares. The solution is simple – turn the Turbine Hall into a Wetherspoons. It would attract a less elitist clientele, and the exhibitions could reflect that – maybe ‘The Art of Die Hard’ or ‘Baroque Nudes Who Weren’t Too Fat’.

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How I personally fixed the Post Office scandal in just one week, by Rishi Sunak

NOBODY had heard about this terrible injustice until it was on telly last week, and now I’ve fixed the whole thing all by myself. Here’s how I did it.

I watched ITV

Have you ever watched ITV? Probably not. It’s a TV channel for poor people I was watching it because I’m a regular guy, and that’s how I saw Mr Bates vs The Post Office. So it’s thanks to my research that everyone knows about the scandal. It’s just lucky I didn’t switch off after Coronation Street. I still have no idea what any of that was about.

I was shocked and appalled

How could things have gone so far without anyone realising what was going on? There should have been newspaper articles and episodes of Panorama and public inquiries, but were there? No. I never saw any. I realised I could not let such a grave miscarriage of justice go unnoticed, and it would have been morally wrong not to help all those innocent people. Also Laura Kuenssberg might keep going on about it, so I had to act.

I demanded Paula Vennells give back her CBE

I did that. Me. Nobody else had suggested she didn’t deserve it, apart from Mr Bates from the TV but he’s one of the little people so he doesn’t count. So I made a weaselly little suggestion that I would ‘strongly support’ Vennells handing back her CBE and she did. It was nothing to do with literally everyone in the country criticising her, it was all my doing. Dishy Rishi to the rescue again, like with Eat Out To Help Out. 

I knew nothing about Fujitsu, honest

Fujitsu was in charge of the Horizon IT system which caused all the trouble. And the British government continued to give them contracts worth billions of pounds while I was both chancellor and prime minister. But no one realised there was a problem because only the sub-postmasters knew, and their lawyers, and MPs, especially the ones who brought it up in parliament. But that doesn’t mean I knew. Shush about it now.

I saved the day

Guess who made an announcement yesterday that the government would grant an unprecedented blanket acquittal for all of the sub-postmasters involved in the scandal? That’s right, me. I stood up in parliament and cleared all their names, because I am the true hero of this story, not the people who worked tirelessly for justice. Plus it deflected from Keir Starmer making me look like a tit at PMQs again. Well, almost.