The five 'micro habits' of insufferably smug people

DO you love self-righteously explaining to people how their life would be less of a mess if they made small changes every day? Share these tips with them.

Work out, even just a little

Saying that even a tiny amount of exercise is better than none is basically telling them they’re a lazy scumbag who is destined for an early grave if they can’t be bothered to drag their a*se outside. Claim it’s tough love, rather than emotional abuse.

Have a routine

You will feel super-smug telling people that you have three kids and a full-time job and yet still manage to stick to a strict routine. Just make sure you don’t mention the au pair or the cleaner.

Go to bed early

Most people would kill to go to bed early, but by the time they’ve made dinner, four packed lunches and done the ironing, it’s 11.45pm and they need a glass of wine. Make them feel awful by telling them you’re asleep by 10pm every night.

Check your bank account daily

Knowing what’s going on with your finances makes you feel in control. However, this only applies to self-satisfied twits like you who know they have money and not people who approach a cash machine like it’s an unexploded bomb.

Have a gratitude journal

Encourage others to write down one small thing they are grateful for each day, even if it’s finally telling you to f**k off and leave them alone.

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Woman into apple cider vinegar now giving full medical consultations

A WOMAN who evangelises about apple cider vinegar on Facebook is suddenly more of a medical authority than your actual doctor.

Francesca Johnson started dabbling with natural health cures when she accidentally bought a jar of very expensive Manuka honey, and had to justify the cost by pretending there was some sort of science behind it.

Johnson said: “Products like apple cider vinegar are life-changing, and not just because your breath smells so bad you lose all your friends. It’s so powerful and versatile it’s good for your gut health but also for cleaning toilets too.

“I’m now something of an expert on ‘beneficial bacteria’, which means I’m qualified to give advice on everything from the consistency of your poo to coronavirus. Who needs an actual GP when you’ve got me giving consultations on Facebook?”

She added: “I hope to use my knowledge to take down the anti-vaxxers, who base their posts on flimsy evidence and hysteria, which I would absolutely never do.”