The gym and four other f**king irritating places to take selfies

SELFIES are inherently annoying, but they can be even worse if you’re careful to use these locations: 

The gym

Running on a treadmill and repeatedly lifting heavy things is how you get fit. Taking a photo of yourself, shirt hoiked aloft to reveal your washboard abs, burns no calories and builds no muscle. The only thing it’s working out is your ego which everyone can already see is in Olympic f**king form.

With your meal

Selfies are annoying. Photos of meals are annoying. Put the two together and you’ve created an image with background figures locked forever in sneers of disapproval. It would almost be more forgivable if you committed to recording the entirety of your vapid life by taking a selfie with your steak dinner when it comes out the other end.

At historically sensitive locations

Sites of historic importance like war memorials are an opportunity for sober reflection. They are not places where you should turn a camera on yourself, make a peace sign, and stick your tongue out of the side of your mouth. Even hashtagging your selfie #RIPthanx4yrsacrifice won’t make it palatable.

In front of landmarks

The New York skyline is a remarkable sight. Your face is puffy, sweaty, and there are massive bags under your eyes. The two do not belong together in the same photograph, so get out of the way and take a picture of something worth looking at. It’ll get more likes which is the whole point.

Next to your partner

Everyone knows you’ve found love because it’s all you talk about. Nobody’s asked for photographic evidence but you’re intent on providing it anyway. Judging by the look on your beloved’s face they’re tiring of being papped more than Britney’s night out with Paris Hilton, and your selfie habit will lead to you being #dumped.

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Liking indie music, and other things today's teenagers think they invented

NOBODY has ever been like today’s teenagers, the first generation to be young who will stay cool and happening forvever. Here are their incredible discoveries: 

Indie music

Serious thin boys with angry haircuts wielding guitars? Only a 14-year-old called Edwin could have discovered bands like the Killers, the Libertines, and the Smiths, and now he spreads their gospel at ‘indie clubs’. It is unlike any previous music because it is bought and played on vinyl.

Being political

Unlike all previous young people who were Tories, the new youth are politically engaged and singularly left-wing. They’ve Googled Karl Marx, done a TikTok about him and are incredible at spotting hitherto unnoticed flaws in capitalism. They are ready to lead the revolution.

Fad dieting

The diets of the past were unscientific nonsense passed from town to town by travelling bards. New diets where you only eat fruit sugars, and fish that harmonise molecularly with the fruit, fix everything. Magazines have never recycled random buzzwords like Atkins, juice cleanses, keto, paleo, or 5:2.

Struggling with relationships

You just don’t get it, because you didn’t have apps back in your time. You never had to deal with having somebody never get in touch again after a date you thought went well. This only started when they invented Tinder in 2012. It was easy when mum and dad met.

90s clothes

You may have personally lived through the 1990s, but that in no way means you get 90s fashion. You need to be told in harsh terms, by a person who wasn’t as much as an embryo when the millennium hit, how exactly to model cycle shorts like Princess Di.

Fancying Keanu Reeves

He is not a weird crush, he’s an incredibly good-looking, talented and charismatic Hollywood superstar. We’ve all loved him since the 80s. Get in line.