The offie, and other places to be the victim of snarky comments from teenagers during the holidays

THE summer holidays mean gangs of teenagers congregating to hurl belittling comments at grown adults like you. Watch out for them in these places:

Fast food restaurants

You pop in for a burger at lunchtime and the place is rammed with bored adolescents slowly picking their way through a small portion of fries. They call you ‘fat man’ and blow spitballs at you through straws when you sit down with your Big Mac. You complain to staff but they are also terrified and refuse to help.


A heady cocktail of post-A-level giddiness, no parents and no responsibility make music festivals the perfect hunting ground for unpleasant teenagers every summer. Some arrogant little tosspot will take the piss out of your old band tee and lame sunhat while hammered off one can of Strongbow, before going on to humiliate you so badly for staking out a spot in front of the main stage with your trusty camping chair that you stomp off and miss Sam Ryder.

Off licences

You remember asking people to buy you booze when you were a teenager, but you’re sure you were polite whenever someone turned you down. Teenagers these days are vicious bastards though, and full of horrible insults. It’s enough to make you convince yourself buying them a four-pack of Tyskie is perfectly legal, just to avoid being called a ‘massive bender’ one more time.


Taking advantage of being freelance to attend a daytime screening alone is an act of sadomasochism when kids aren’t in school. They’re legally allowed to see a 15 unaccompanied, but only turn up to guffaw at swear words and leer at anything mildly sexual. Unfortunately, shushing them will only lead to getting called a virgin for two hours straight in claustrophobic darkness.

Swimming pools

Teenagers feel entitled to ruin everyone’s day at the swimming pool. Family groups cower in the shallow end while 15-year-old idiots do canonballs into the lanes where boring adults are trying to swim lengths. Nobody wants to approach them to tell them off, because, half-dressed and uncomfortable, they fear being called a paedo by the one who’s livestreaming the whole experience on their phone. And there’s no use calling the lifeguard, as he’s their older teenage mate and will just join in with the abuse.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Six empty parental threats so lame you can't believe you're using them

WHY don’t your children respect you? It’s because your words mean nothing, as these completely empty threats demonstrate.

I’ll throw that iPad away!

You’d obviously never let any harm befall an expensive electronic device because you’re not a wealthy maniac like Kirstie Allsopp or that Supernanny woman. Besides, your kids know that you’re as addicted to that sweet, sweet tablet as they are. Oh, and Daddy needs it for his ‘me time’.

You’ll go straight to bed!

This would simply move the nightmare of bedtime to clash with preparing dinner, meaning you’ll be traipsing up and down the stairs while also making a lasagne because the little shits constantly ‘need a drink’. Just let them watch telly until nine, otherwise the only person being punished will be you.

Father Christmas won’t come!

It’s six o’clock on Christmas morning. Two excited children rush down the stairs in their Rudolph slippers. They flick on the living room light and see… a lump of coal. You did it! You actually followed through and did it, you parenting legend! Except of course you didn’t. You bought them a Nintendo Switch, because otherwise the mums at the school gates would find out and give you evils for the next five years.

You won’t get pudding if you don’t eat your vegetables!

This will just descend into a lengthy negotiation which drains you of all remaining energy. A carrot for an Oreo. Two mouthfuls of peas for a Viennese Whirl. After half an hour of intense haggling you’ll go to the freezer and break out the Almond Magnums simply because you need one yourself.

You won’t be going to play at your friend’s!

Really? You’re not going to get rid of them for a few hours so you can gorge yourself on the secret chocolates you keep in the garage? You could even have a bit of sex while the house is quiet. You won’t, obviously, you’ll binge watch an entire series of Selling Sunset while necking wine, but you could.

Just wait ‘til your father gets home!

The emptiest of all threats. This isn’t the 1970s and Dad isn’t a slipper-wielding psychopath. Your children are well aware that their father will simply grunt hello before switching on the telly and, when informed of their cheekiness, laugh and commend them for the imaginativeness of their insults. Fat lot of use he is.