Saturday, 7th December 2019

The self-deluding pet owner's guide to thinking they're human

DO you insist on believing your pet has complex thoughts and feelings, like a person? Try these ways of deluding yourself: 

It’s not just about food

When your cat or dog pads eagerly up to you when you come in from work, it’s definitely because they can sense you’ve had a rough day, not because they’re after their next delicious fix of tinned anuses and eyelids.

They understand English 

Properly daft pet owners convince themselves complex sentences like: “Oscar, it is morally wrong to have killed and mutilated that mouse because I bought you the gourmet cat food from Waitrose, but you are lovely and fluffy so, with reservations, I forgive you,” are heard and understood.

They have friends

When your dog is friendly with another dog they meet during walks, it isn’t because they share a canine rapport. They’re discussing territory, swapping tips of which bitches are on heat or instinctively assembling a wolf pack that will bring the humans to their knees.

They agree with you about your ex

When your ex who you now hate vanishes from your life, your pet is on your side. A cocker spaniel called Gavin definitely knew that he was wrong for you, drank too much and was overfriendly with your good-looking friend Kate.

They like being shown your phone

It’s a rare cat or dog that has not appeared on Facebook. However they are uninterested in how many likes their picture receives, and, if their brains were larger than a satsuma or a walnut, would hate you for making them wear a Christmas elf costume.

They love you

Yes, sort of. But will still eat you if necessary.