ARE you stuck on a train, in a queue or a crowded cafe being subjected to the most tiresome conversational topics known to man? They might be one of these.
Even the plot to Reservoir Dogs sounds like a snoozefest when recounted badly enough. Extra annoyance points if they keep doubling back to correct facts about a film that don’t really matter: ‘No wait, was it a helicopter? Or was it a plane…?’ The icing on the cake is if they thoroughly discuss spoilers for a film you were definitely planning to see.
When will people understand that things their children do and say are of zero interest to anyone besides the parents (and even then, it’s not a given)? Topics of particular, ear-bleeding dullness include: what/when/where/how many times the child pissed/shat/ate/woke up, and anything to do with homework or phlegm.
Dreams – the nocturnal farts of somebody else’s subconscious. At least real-life stories have the compulsion of actually having occurred. Listening to some par-for-the-course dream about being stuck in their ex’s flat with Huw Edwards trying inflate balloons is too much to bear.
Not a mouth-watering list of ingredients – that could be interesting – but laboured descriptions of tedium like making sourdough: different amounts of starter they’ve tried adding, various proving times, etc. Or they might be making something very simple exactly as you’d expect, eg. a pizza base topped with ham, mushroom and mozzarella.
An idiot opining on the meaning of life makes you want to end it all by ramming a wooden coffee-stirrer down an ear canal and into your brain. Especially when they spout platitudes as if they’d thought of them themselves: ‘I often think that everything happens for a reason…’ Presumably then you’re listening to this trite shit because you did something bad in a past life, like torturing people in the Spanish Inquisition. Which, coincidentally, you’d quite like to do now.
You’d think people could lay off boring traffic talk when they’re not in a car. It’s particularly cruel when you’re on a speeding train and you get stuck with a stranger’s blow-by-blow account of her nightmare drive to work. If you wanted the full experience you’d sit in the f**king car with her. Before hurling yourself into the road.