The six tricks to sleeping through a heatwave

IT’S boiling hot, you’re sticky and total bastards keep driving past in their noisy cars. Try getting a cool seven hours with these tips. 

Dump your partner

They keep touching you with their horrible hot hands and thighs like a freshly baked loaf. And they’re noisy and keep shifting about and waking you up. End your 22-year relationship now, without regret, and enjoy a blissful night’s sleep alone. 

Sleep in the bath

Sinking into a hot bath on a cold day is great, but a cold bath on a hot day is the purest of pleasures and the perfect heat-free bed. To avoid drowning, wear an inflatable armband round your neck, or leave the plug out and the cold shower on and dream you’re leading a lovely chilly life aboard the Arctic convoys. 

Love an ice bear

Still got your precious childhood teddy? Gut it with a knife, rip out all the stuffing and replace it with those freezer blocks you take camping. You’ll be cuddling it all night again like you were six years old. 

Sleep in a wind tunnel

One fan can keep you a little bit cool, so why stop there? Arrange a battery of fans around your bed buffetting you with constant cool wind from every angle, as if you were resting on a mountaintop. Ideally you shouldn’t be able to raise your head without your cheeks ballooning out with air. 

Go shopping

Supermarkets are beautifully air-conditioned and it’s wasted on their minimum-wage staff. Go to one that’s open 24 hours and make yourself a comfortable little nest on an empty pallet of Coke cans. You’ll sleep like a British Leyland worker on a 1973 night shift. 

Go into shock

A clinical state of shock makes you feel freezing cold. When you’re blackout drunk and won’t remember it, arrange for a friend to call you at 1am with terrible, life-changing news. Your body temperature will plummet as you discover your hometown and your parents have been obliterated in a nuclear missile accident.

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Woman not sure whether she's wet herself or just really sweaty

A WOMAN driving in the heatwave is so sweaty she is wondering whether it is possible she might have actually pissed herself. 

Donna Sheridan has been stuck in traffic in her car for the past hour with no air conditioning, causing her to be soaked through with liquid which hopefully does not include her own urine.

Marketing manager Sheridan said: “Is it possible to wet yourself without realising it? I’ve never done it before, except at that wedding reception, but maybe you just go incontinent after the age of 40?

“I am completely drenched. I’m not an excessively sweaty person so I’m getting seriously paranoid that I’ve had a ‘little accident’. It happened once before but it turned out to be a false alarm and I’d just been sitting on a baby wipe.  

“I’ve considered going through the car wash with all the windows open or driving into a cold lake but I couldn’t find either on the motorway.

“I have to go to a meeting but I can’t get out of the car like this. I’ll just have to stay in my car until summer is over.”