The six tricks to sleeping through a heatwave

IT’S boiling hot, you’re sticky and total b*stards keep driving past in their noisy cars. Try getting a cool seven hours with these tips. 

Dump your partner

They keep touching you with their horrible hot hands and thighs like a freshly baked loaf. And they’re noisy and keep shifting about and waking you up. End your 22-year relationship now, without regret, and enjoy a blissful night’s sleep alone. 

Sleep in the bath

Sinking into a hot bath on a cold day is great, but a cold bath on a hot day is the purest of pleasures and the perfect heat-free bed. To avoid drowning, wear an inflatable armband round your neck, or leave the plug out and the cold shower on and dream you’re leading a lovely chilly life aboard the Arctic convoys. 

Love an ice bear

Still got your precious childhood teddy? Gut it with a knife, rip out all the stuffing and replace it with those freezer blocks you take camping. You’ll be cuddling it all night again like you were six years old. 

Sleep in a wind tunnel

One fan can keep you a little bit cool, so why stop there? Arrange a battery of fans around your bed buffetting you with constant cool wind from every angle, as if you were resting on a mountaintop. Ideally you shouldn’t be able to raise your head without your cheeks ballooning out with air. 

Go shopping

Supermarkets are beautifully air-conditioned and it’s wasted on their minimum-wage staff. Go to one that’s open 24 hours and make yourself a comfortable little nest on an empty pallet of Coke cans. You’ll sleep like a British Leyland worker on a 1973 night shift. 

Go into shock

A clinical state of shock makes you feel freezing cold. When you’re blackout drunk and won’t remember it, arrange for a friend to call you at 1am with terrible, life-changing news. Your body temperature will plummet as you discover your hometown and your parents have been obliterated in a nuclear missile accident.