Five things to be a pedantic twat about

DO you feel the need to argue obscure points that genuinely intelligent people don’t waste their time with? Here are some great things to bang on about.

‘More than’ versus ‘over’

We need grammar rules, otherwise people would be talking in personal gibberish languages, eg. “Me shop sausages have. Tasty eat gravy yum.” But using ‘over’ for discrete items is embedded in popular usage, and there’s no risk of anyone misunderstanding ‘Over 100 people killed in horrific disaster’, so there’s a strong chance of looking like a twat.

The Union Jack

Apparently you can only call it the Union Jack if it’s flown on a warship. This is actually a relatively recent idea dismissed by the Admiralty in 1902, but even if it wasn’t, F**KING EVERYONE calls it the Union Jack, so maybe let’s just go with that? And with Brexit going so well, this may not be a problem for too much longer. 

Ultra-obscure nerd issues 

Are the latest Marvel movies a travesty because the 1991 comic book Dark Spiderverse Vol. 234 explicitly says Peter Parker joined forces with Thanos and therefore the Kree-Skrull war in Captain Marvel can only happen in a parallel timeline? Great cure for insomnia.

Minor details in film and TV

Did a BBC drama set in 1968 feature a model of Hillman Imp that wasn’t available until 1971? Get on the internet and rant about it, you wanker. Also quite hilarious when criticising war films for using fake vehicles, when there is a pretty obvious reason why there may not be that many functioning Tiger tanks post-1945.

Something you’re actually wrong about

There’s nothing more annoying than some shit-for-brains dunce banging on in a superior manner about something they are blatantly wrong about, eg. ‘its’ should be ‘it’s’ because the apostrophe denotes the possessive. Don’t be that person. Or this one.

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Woman promoted for being least offensive employee

A WOMAN has been promoted for being the most bland and insipid employee at her workplace.

Marketing assistant Emma Bradford was chosen for promotion because she was deemed too dull and tedious to ever get on the tits of her colleagues and clients.

Office manager Norman Steele said: “Emma was the natural choice as her total lack of personality means people never have any friction with her. She’s just sort of there, like one of the pot plants.

“She really is the worst kind of boring office drone with no interests or conversation, which is excellent because she works solidly in silence all day. She sets a great example to the others.

“Once an atheist employee was arguing with a Christian and tried to get Emma involved, but she just said she could see it from both sides, and no one really knows the answers.

“I’d go as far as to say she’s a completely soulless nonentity. She’s got a great career ahead of her.”

Bradford said: “I’m going to give my new role 110 percent, but I think all of my colleagues deserved promotions too. Excuse me, I have to get back to this interesting spreadsheet.”