Three extra pints of lager a day needed during heatwave, say bloke scientists

BLOKE scientists have advised men to drink at least three extra pints of beer a day to avoid dehydration during the current hot weather.

Manly, beer-loving health experts say it is vital to keep liquid intake up by drinking from lunchtime onwards – preferably outdoors, to maintain a healthy, beetroot complexion.

Scientist and good bloke Tom Logan said: “I’d advise men to consume the extra fluid in groups of six or seven, standing round a table and laughing loudly every so often to keep your spirits up.

“People think of lager as alcohol but not a lot of them know it’s actually made with water – water our bodies need if we’re not going to shrivel up like wrinkly knackers.

“Lager cheers you up and quenches your thirst. Ask any doctor who’s a massive p*sshead. And during the heatwave, don’t forget to consume plenty of salted snacks. 

“It’s like in the desert. You have to replenish your salt. So eat whatever you can lay your hands on – crisps, ‘Nobby’s Nuts’, pork scratchings. You’re saving your own life.”

Logan also advised birds to drink an extra pint or pint-and-a-half to keep up, though not more than that as they might embarrass themselves.

A 'Who the f*ck are these mad b*stards?' guide to Johnson's new cabinet

BORIS Johnson has replaced the entire cabinet with fanatical Brexiters who have sworn a blood oath of loyalty to him. What the f*ck and who the f*ck? 

Sajid Javid, chancellor

The rest of the cabinet have a trick they play on Javid, where they point at a random person and say ‘He supports Islamic terrorism’ and watch Javid wrestle him to the ground. Then they laugh and tell him it was a joke. But he always does it again the next time. 

Priti Patel, home secretary

One of many cabinet members already blooded with her first sacking scandal, Patel enjoys no-deal Brexits, kidnapping pets, setting fire to barns and hatred. Believes that any sort of problem is your own fault and you deserve it. 

Dominic Raab, foreign secretary

A Brexiter so fervently patriotic he is practically American, Raab despises foreigners and can barely be restrained from headbutting them. The current thinking is that this is exactly what the position needs. 

Michael Gove, chancellor of the Duchy of Lancaster

Strange in every way and possibly not human, but will go on telly when Boris can’t be arsed, which will be often. 

Stephen Barclay, Brexit secretary

In charge of sorting out Britain’s no-deal exit, which by definition requires him to say and do nothing in order to succeed effortlessly. Even so, he will probably manage to f*ck it up. 

Liz Truss, international trade secretary

A Boris Johnson backer for years, all Truss has got out of it is this bullsh*t non-job. An object lesson in what you get for backing Boris Johnson. 

Andrea Leadsom, business secretary

Leadsom plans to tell all businesses that their first duty is to support the Conservative Party’s ideological goals, give the party all their money and crush the party’s enemies. When told that’s technically communism, she will smile vacantly, as if her brain has been removed.

Jacob Rees-Mogg, leader of the Commons

You know when a second-year law student decides they’ll get themselves off their drink-driving charge by referencing the Carters & Drovers Act of 1641, and instead gets three months in prison? That’s what will happen here.