Man who says 'I'm not being funny' never funny

A MAN who says “I’m not being funny” is never about to say something funny and is just going to be an unpleasant dick about something.

Whenever they hear the ominous phrase, office worker Stephen Malley’s friends and co-workers brace themselves for a verbal onslaught about anything from their new haircut to ‘trannies’.

Colleague Nikki Hollis said: “Steve said he ‘wasn’t being funny’ then asked if I could stop laughing in an annoying way. He was right, it wasn’t funny, it was really awkward.

“Another time he used the phrase as a lead-in to his opinion that there are too many black people on TV. That definitely wasn’t funny. Everyone went quiet and there wasn’t a single titter.”

Other topics Malley has not been funny about include immigration, ‘benders’ and whether office administrator Sally should be eating those biscuits due to being a “large lass”.

Hollis added: “Basically Steve’s opinions are about as welcome as a burst haemorrhoid. I’m not sure why he even mentions being funny when he could just say ‘I’m about to be a tw*t’.”

Malley said: “I’m not being funny, but women are a nightmare, aren’t they?”

The poncey Londoner's guide to the hot weather

BEING too hot in London is trendier and more cultural than in the regions. Here new media developer Nathan Muir explains what you should do.

Go to a lido

Plebs go to places called ‘outdoor pools’, whereas we Londoners enjoy sophisticated al fresco swimming experiences at the local lido. What’s the difference? F*ck all, apart from in London we pay three times as much and think it makes us cool.

Drink a Negroni on a w*nky rooftop bar

Anyone with any sense would be sipping cold water in a darkened room, but as a Londoner it’s my duty to be doing something horrible but pretending to like it, such as sipping a disgusting cocktail whilst inhaling traffic fumes from several incredibly busy roads.

Rollerblade in a park

Or choose some other slightly old-fashioned and therefore hipster method of transport like a Razor scooter or a My Little Pony skateboard. Basically anything you can do outdoors very ironically.

Enjoy a ludicrously expensive and complicated ice cream

If you live in London, the humble old Solero will definitely not do when you want to cool down. Instead you must order a goats milk, kale and lavender ice cream in a quinoa cone and pay the best part of a tenner for it.

Play in a fountain

Fountains outside places like the Southbank Centre and Somerset House are aimed at children, but I love them. And getting wet means no one can tell I’m crying tears of misery because soon I’ll have to get on the tube and travel for 80 minutes in the searing heat to my tiny flat which I claim is in London but in reality has an Essex postcode.