The student's guide to being a condescending prick to the locals

ARRIVED at your university convinced every local is a thick failure like the twats from school? Reinforce your superiority from day one:  

Exaggerate your accent

Really stressing your exotic accent lets everyone know you’re from somewhere better. Locals may never have met a traveller from another county before, so enunciate every syllable of ‘STA-AY-KE BAY-AY-KE’ for your hungover Greggs order to be understood. And mimic the regional accent. They’ll find it endearing.

Show off in the pub quiz

You’re an expert in every field, so prove it at quiz night. As a big fish in a small pond where nobody knows a bloody thing, you can drain the regulars’ money and win a free Sunday dinner for you and your crazy team. It’s the locals charitable donation to you for boosting the town’s economy.

Ignore ‘cash only’ rules

It’s a tradition as old as 80s students paying for cinema tickets by cheque. Flash your card everywhere to prove you’re above mere money, whether buying artisanal coffees, ironic cuckoo clocks or getting your Yaris valeted. You dwell on a higher intellectual plane, you can’t be tied down by physical currency.

Get pissed at cherished locations

Does your new home have a statue, church or bucolic seafront location the locals love? It’ll be riotously funny to get shitfaced there. It doesn’t matter if townsfolk call you an obnoxious twat, they only live here so they’re not real. Besides they’ll have done the same in their day, everyone goes to uni.

Wear university clothing at all times

It is not enough to be young, attractive and openly smoking weed to signal that you’re a student. Make yourself unmistakable by decking yourself out in a slogan hoodie so everyone knows they’re dealing with a total legend, especially when you soil your hockey team trackie bottoms at Wetherspoons.

Claim the city as yours 

You’ve been here for three weeks, so you’re a local now. Given your prodigious intelligence, you probably know the city better than them. Assert your right to brush them into the gutter as you and your squad stride by, to go to the front of any queue, to steal their traffic cones and to vomit in their gardens. This town is your playground and you’ve earned it.

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How to console someone earning over £150,000

BRITAIN’S top earners have been devastated by the government’s craven U-turn on the 45p tax rate. Comfort them with these words: 

Remind them of the average UK salary

High-earners, after everything they’ve done for us, are bound to feel hard done by today. Make them crack a tearful smile by pointing out the average salary is less than a quarter of their annual income. The knowledge that retail workers, graduates and whole regions of Britain make nothing will restore their innate sense of superiority.

Show them the pound’s recovered

Sleeping on a glittering hoard of coins like Smaug is less fun when they’re approaching parity with the dollar, so the recovery of the pound after last week’s tanking is sure to raise spirits. And trickle-down economics means they’re duty-bound to buy themselves anything they want. See? It’s not all doom and gloom.

Benefits are being cut

Every cloud has a silver lining, and the refusal to raise benefits in line with inflation coupled with massive cuts must be of some solace. While you may not be getting richer everyone else is getting poorer and that’s almost the same.

At least you’ve got your health

During desperate times, such as when your immense income won’t go quite as far as it used to but it’s still a f**king fortune, it’s good to be reminded that you’ve still got your health and won’t have to rely on the underfunded and overstretched NHS to preserve it. It’s a straw to clutch in these troubled times.

Show them your last pay cheque

Laughter is the best medicine, and nothing makes the rich cackle more than the pathetic pay-packets of the poor. Show a top percentile earner the pittance you earned last month and they’ll be reduced to fits of the giggles. Then point out that’s before tax and you’re paying the same VAT. They’ll feel better in no time.