Warhammer community in mourning as one of their own gets girlfriend

A TOWN’S Warhammer community has been plunged into mourning following news that one of their members is in a relationship. 

Enthusiasts for wargaming and miniature-painting in Middlesbrough held two minutes silence before Sunday’s game after learning that devout attendee Jack Browne would not be attending because he preferred to be with a girl.

Friend Oliver O’Connor said: “I’m still in shock, honestly. What woman can compare to an evening playing Kill Team with a full squad of lovingly detailed Imperial Navy Breachers?

“I can believe in Kataphron Battle Servitors because their lore is deep and richly detailed, but that a women out there would want to be in the vicinity of Jack’s genitalia is beyond even my comprehension.

“What of the eternal struggle against the Aeldari and their attempts to resurrect a dead god by uniting the Infinity Circuits? Has he abandoned all that for grubby gropings with a mere human female? And what is it like and will he tell us?”

Browne said: “At first I suspected she was a spy for a rival Warhammer group in Stockton, attempting to find out how we plan to defeat Archaon the Everchosen and his forces of Chaos before the regional championships in Hull.

“But it’s worse than that. Zoey has made me realise playing tiny dolls with losers was a tragic waste of my life.”

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Man assures wife he would only cheat with someone he really, really fancied

A HUSBAND has reassured his wife that he would only be unfaithful to her with someone extremely attractive. 

Martin Bishop, who has been happily married for over a decade, has told his partner that unlike some fickle men who leap at the chance to shag anything that moves, he would only cheat with someone way more attractive than her.

He said: “I was horrified to read about Maroon 5’s singer Adam Levine putting himself about. His wife’s a no-question-ten and these girls? None of them come close.

“What an idiot. Like I said to Katie, I’d never ruin a wonderful relationship unless it was to bone someone world-class gorgeous. Not someone who’s barely an improvement.

“If Megan Fox wants it from a 42-year-old ventilation engineer? I’m there. If Rosie Huntington-Whiteley’s propping up the bar at The George? I’ll try my hand. If Jo Kramer’s in Tesco Extra still as hot as she was at school? My marriage vows are on pause.

“But anything less than that, and my unwavering loyalty and fidelity are assured. I don’t think any red-blooded man could offer more.”

Wife Katie Bishop said: “Bollocks. Looks like it’s up to me to end this f**king marriage then.”