'And if you could just forget that we tried to abolish that tax rate in the first place, thanks'

THE Conservatives have U-turned on abolishing the 45p tax rate on condition that all voters forget about it as if it never happened. 

Chancellor Kwasi Kwarteng announced this morning that they listened, they get it, the tax rate is staying, it was always staying, no announcement about its abolition was ever made and anyone who remembers one is wrong.

He continued: “The rich? We don’t favour the rich. Where did you get that idea from?

“No, our fiscal event favoured everyone equally. We certainly wouldn’t abolish the top rate of tax, making it abundantly clear we’re governing for the wealthy before partying with them at a champagne reception. That never took place.

“The prime minister said she was 100 per cent behind the move on TV yesterday? It was on the BBC so it’s obvious fake, though the bits about her being strong, resolute and not for turning weren’t.

“As we head into a winter of unaffordable bills, of rising mortgage payments, of massive cuts to public services, of strikes and school closures and blackouts, please remember that the Tories did not and never said they would abolish the top rate of tax.

“That should make all the difference.”

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Liz Truss feeds entire party conference by growing pie

PRIME minister Liz Truss has fed every one of the 4,000 people attending the Conservative party conference by miraculously growing a pie. 

After being let down by caterers who had traitorously gone bust, attendees feared they would go hungry until Truss demonstrated her incredible powers by growing a pie to more than 300ft across.

The prophet Kwarteng said: “And the people were hungry, but there was no food, and lo there was much gnashing of teeth as dissension fomented in the ranks.

“And Liz stepped forward and commanded she be brought a pie, an ordinary pie such as those she was familiar with from her harsh Yorkshire childhood.

“A pie was brought measuring no more than a few inches. But Liz laid her magical instruments of growth – her own, market-blessed hands – on the pie and it commenced to swell and swell until it filled the whole of Hall Three.

“There was enough pie for everyone, and the pie was all things to all people whether they desired steak-and-kidney, chicken-and-leek or even a key lime pie. The miracle happened, the Tories were fed, and the faithful doubted no more.”

Attendee Julian Cook said: “Yeah, but by the time the ERG, the lobbyists and all the City boys had finished gorging there were only scraps left.”