The swimming pool changing room, and other agonising places to bump into an acquaintance

MET someone you sort of know while wearing a scrap of wet lycra and nothing else? You’ll hate seeing them in these other places too.

Tesco queue

Seems innocuous, but getting stuck in a queue next to someone you barely know can be excruciating. After you’ve exhausted all chat about the one friend you have in common and the weather, you fall into an uneasy silence that becomes so awkward you’re tempted to drag the painfully slow till lady out of her seat and do the job yourself.

Swimming pool changing room

Navigating a swimming pool changing room when you’re wet, cold and wearing a minuscule amount of clothing is bad enough at the best of times. However, when you bump into the woman who works in the same building as you who you sometimes see in the lift, it’s even worse. Why did you choose to wear speedos today? Why?

Doctor’s surgery

Even if you’ve gone in for something that isn’t embarrassing, like antibiotics for a chest infection, it’s hard not to feel mortified when you see someone you vaguely know. Will Nikki from the school gates presume you’re in there for a fungal nail infection or an STI or some other gross thing instead? Yes, and she won’t be shy about speculating at pick-up time.

Condom aisle in Boots

You’re only in the condom aisle because the mouthwash happens to be up the other end, but you can guarantee you’ll be standing right next to the glow-in-the-dark Trojans when you cross paths with your mum’s friend Susan. You’ll blush so hard she’ll be highly suspicious, especially as you’re a married man, which in her eyes means you’ve no need for contraception. Don’t try to explain, you’ll only make things worse.

Sex shop

You’ve popped in for an old school porn magazine when you lock eyes with Weird Martin who lives a few doors down. You nod briefly, hoping against hope that he won’t mention it to anyone, or to you when you next see each other in the street. But there’s no need to worry, he’s ashamed of being a pathetic, grubby little masturbator too. You’ve formed a deep but not-very-joyous bond.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Covid inquiry to look into your lockdown wanking next

THE Covid inquiry will turn its attention to your self-love habit during lockdown next, it has announced.

Having already grilled Dominic Cummings, Patrick Vallance and Chris Whitty about the pandemic, the inquiry is set to examine every instance of masturbation you indulged in during lockdown.

Inquiry chair Baroness Hallett said: “We expect this investigation to roll on for months thanks to you, because there’s a lot of evidence to unpack. And I mean a lot.

“According to our findings you started off reasonably enough with a quick ten-minute visit to PornHub when the first lockdown was announced, but things only get more debauched from there.

“By April 2020 you were clearly cranking one out three times a day, and your internet search history became almost too sordid for words. I look forward to you explaining what exactly a ‘bukkake gangbang cumpilation’ video is in front of a room full of stern witnesses and TV cameras.

“There was a brief lull in May where you had clearly tugged yourself dry and satiated your perverted desires, but then you slipped back into your old habits when the second lockdown kicked in. 

“I note also that your Couch to 5K ambitions went completely unfulfilled.”

Tom Booker, who has already been investigated, said: “They couldn’t lay a finger on me because I made sure to wank while maintaining social distancing in beer gardens. Still, bit embarrassing to recount, and old habits die hard.”